Welcome to the archived web site of
Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Psychologist (1950-2013)
California License No. PSY 10092
Specializing in Presence-Centered Therapy
balancing mind and heart, body and spirit

Now in memoriam - This website is no longer being updated
While Dr. Friedman is no longer with us, there are still many helpful resources on his site. Articles and resource links have been relocated to the top. His family hopes you might find them helpful. But since this site is no longer being updated, some links may no longer work.


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Skills For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | Feeling, Thought, Communication & Action

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Tools/Skills for Life: Free the Ego, and You Are Free

CHOICE—Level III: The "Will" without a Willful Doer Chooses

© 2009 Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

It is your will which decides the direction your ego will go.
Ernest F. Pecci, Meditative Insights

So when the 'Who cares?" arises from the depths of your being-I don't really care a damn whether enlightenment happens or not; it's not my business; I'm not the seeker-enlightenment is very, very close indeed.
Ramesh Balsekar, Who Cares?!

When you don't care about the outcome and are needless is precisely when you are free to be, tell the truth and wrap it all in palpable love. Franklin Merrell-Wolff calls this awareness "high indifference," while spiritual teachers refer to this as "benevolent indifference" and "welcoming." Referring to the fiercest gurus, sage Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse Rinpoche observes, "They could do it because they have no agenda. Their only agenda was to enlighten. They didn't care what people said, what other people thought-I call it CCL: couldn't-care-less-ness. That holds the biggest power." [Italics in original] 8 When there is no one present to take anything personally in authentic detachment, not "giving a rip" about desires and results shows a growing maturity and freedom. One sees clinging as simply making no difference, not even a ripple in the sands and waters of time.

Indian sage Ramesh Balsekar refers to the attitude of "who cares?!", in a book of the same title, as showing the absence of any doer and thus very close to enlightenment. Balsekar is suggesting "who cares?!" is a fitting attitude of the seeker of spiritual progress, not an attitude to cultivate in everyday living. When one surrenders any way it has to be, any agenda, goal or plan, any "one" who feels gratified or depressed, only then can you honestly give yourself to care about another human being on the deepest level.

In this awakened aware space, you naturally claim being one with our ground of being, unbridled Truth and whole-hearted Love. This quality of "caring enough" is being non-attached, that is, not letting the ego get involved with an agenda to gain something. Can you care so little about the ego to inhabit the True Self's vision of authentic caring?


It is purely the "impersonal will", that is, a Will without a willful doer, the "Self" without any separation, that chooses whether one follows the ego or not. What some call "conscious choice" must be purely an illusion given the pre-conscious mechanisms in our brain-our neurology or genetic predispositions, environmental conditioning or mentality, the impact of the unconscious, and just how present we are. Author Paul Watzlawick described the attitude in a book title: The Situation is Hopeless, But Not Serious. Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche called this "the wisdom of no escape" in facing reality. As mind-body mechanisms, we are an instrument, not the source or author or authority, of experiences of disconnection and bonding, separation and oneness, nothing and everything.

The "Will" does not refer to a "personal will"; rather to a complete surrender to the Will of God, the only will that exists-the divine or spiritual will. Wisdom and miracles abide here. Beyond false self's deciding is a flow of life and energy navigating our direction, what is helpful to call "apparent choice." Will we listen, honor and follow?

Ken Wilber refers to the impersonal will as "the self"-the sixth element in the Integral Map and theory of everything using all five elements of AQAL (All Quadrants, All Levels), including quadrants, levels, lines, states and types. Wilber says that the "self" or "self-system" is of the highest importance in the psychology of development given it is the seat of will, intention and integrity, and responsible for integrating all the five elements.

With its own structure and characteristics, the "self" is the source of will, identity, and navigation in daily life and healthy defense, such as how the immune system functions. 1 The "self" or "will" makes the limited "apparent choice" to blithely listen to, blindly believe and automatically follow the ego, or not. Where one places one's life and attention is precisely the "self" or "will". Watch the ego to see how it operates, with its own agenda using deception, fear, hubris, and distortion, for here is freedom from all this.

While the ego is the apparent block to awakening, at the same time it is True Nature's ally in offering the ability to experience Consciousness in human form in the duality of the world. Without shadow there can be no light. The opportunity is for a conversion from the ego's fear and self-hatred to the soul's Joy and Love with all that encompasses the human experience. The more one awakens, the more the ego's personal will is seen through and dissipates, leaving only divine, impersonal will or Consciousness -That which single-pointedly calls us forth without division or conflict, That which is adept and adaptive in riding the flow of Life, That which beckons us to build our whole souls, embrace the Love we are, fulfill the Good in actions, and express who we truly are. Our limited "apparent choice" is this: our life or the ego's imitation of our life.


1. Ken Wilber: "The Guru & the Pandit: Andrew Cohen & Ken Wilber in Dialogue-A Living Experiment in Conscious Evolution: Dialogue XIV," What is Enlightenment?, 35, JanuaryyMarch 2007, pages 47-50, 52-58, ref: page 53-54; Ken Wilber, Integral Psychology: Consciousness, Spirit, Psychology, Therapy. Boston, Shambhala Publications, Inc., 2000.


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© Copyright 2013 by Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D.

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