Welcome to the archived web site of
Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Psychologist (1950-2013)
California License No. PSY 10092
 
Specializing in Presence-Centered Therapy
balancing mind and heart, body and spirit

Now in memoriam - This website is no longer being updated
While Dr. Friedman is no longer with us, there are still many helpful resources on his site. Articles and resource links have been relocated to the top. His family hopes you might find them helpful. But since this site is no longer being updated, some links may no longer work.

 


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Skills For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | Feeling, Thought, Communication & Action

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Tools/Skills for Life: The Core Playing Field

Twenty-Four Credible, Workable Ideas

© 2011 by Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
 

"What disturbs men's minds is not events but their judgments on events."
—Epictetus

Morgan D. Jones, a former CIA analyst, proposes the use of natural or "plausible reasoning" for everyday decision-making. This is the use of analogical thinking built upon recognizing patterns and in accord with the laws of plausibility and probability. For example, you might draw the plausible conclusion that it makes sense to pay your taxes. This conclusion, you might argue, is probably correct based on several past experiences you, or others you know, have had with not paying taxes. You recognize similarities to your present situation and make a highly pragmatic decision—pay the taxes.

The great advantage of plausible thinking is that it doesn't require the above standards, yet it is driven by a strong practicality that honors survival and thriving. Moreover, such reasoning people are rewarded in our world. Sometimes the rewards received by seminal thinkers, innovators and discoverers are significant, yet they typically pale with the remarkable success of those who popularize these advances.

Psychologist Morton Hunt said it beautifully in his book The Universe Within, "In contrast to logical reasoning, natural reasoning proceeds by steps that are credible [plausible] but not rigorous and arrives at conclusions that are likely [probable] but not certain" (1982, 137-138). Since rigorous logical thinking requires complete certainty and consistency, a strong case could be made that this type of thinking is a poor fit for most real world encounters. However, it is unfortunate that the term plausible often implies disbelief and distrust because something is seemingly true, valid or reasonable, and may not be.

I suggest, along with Morton Hunt, to take the best from plausibility and rationality in the form of credible thinking. Credible thinking proceeds in a manner that is understandable and makes sense in the practical reality of the world, given it is well founded and well supported by sound logic, reason and evidence. Credible thinking produces highly probable outcome decisions.

*

On a tape series addressing practical spirituality Marianne Williamson poignantly described her and other people's experience of arguing and convincing nay-saying critics out of opinions and viewpoints they were firmly attached to. In spearheading positive societal change, so many committed individuals had operated in this fashion throughout the 1960's and ensuing decades. She noted that this approach had yielded poor results and largely showed itself to be futile. At one point she wisely observed that she had changed her mind. She was now a proponent of shining one's light of progressive change and attracting individuals of "like mind," and letting those argumentative critics of "unlike mind" come around if, when, and as they will. It is time to positively move on and enjoy the mutual contribution of being with resonant people.

Similarly, instead of dissecting and confronting unworkable ideas to empower their release, I freely offer an affirmative approach. Here are twenty-four productive, credible ideas in four groupings that form an infrastructure for a cognitively workable life. Only the briefest attention will be given to the unworkable ideas by naming them afterwards. The twenty-four credible ideas have been formatted to "take the oil" inside you at this precise moment in time. Also you are welcome to "retake the oil," from time to time, to see where you are and how far you have come to make all of these twenty-four credible, workable ideas completely yours.

Here is a self-report inventory of credible, workable ideas for you to "take the oil" inside you:

Name:____________________________ Date:____________________
 

Group 1: Honestly Feeling Fine in Love of Self

1. CHOOSE TO BE FITTING, APPROPRIATE AND ADAPTIVE; NOTHING TO PROVE; AND CAN TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ERRORS.

You are moderately to strongly invested in your ideas, attitudes, beliefs, activities and actions being fitting and workable. You have nothing to prove or explain to anyone, only expressing yourself and your values. When errors occur that you bear some responsibility for, then you honestly own what is yours and promptly take actions to make repair with a civil, compassionate attitude.

How often present: ___ None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own
(Unworkable idea: Needing to be right, proving yourself, and cannot be wrong)

2. PURELY MAKE COMPARISONS WITH YOURSELF OVER SPECIFIC BEHAVIORS USING THE TIME FRAME OF THE RECENT PAST, GIVING ATTENTION TO THE GROWTH YOU ACCOMPLISHED.

Having matured to the level of knowing that the only competition you will ever have
is with yourself, you do your best to respect and honor yourself in word, attitude and behavior. You accept and know your strengths and assets as well as your challenges and liabilities, placing greater attention on the former. Being on eye-to-eye, level terms with others, you can be genuinely supportive of their strengths and understanding of their personal struggles.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own
(Unworkable idea: False/pseudo comparisons; inferior and superior evaluations)

3. ACCEPT THAT LIFE BRINGS DIFFICULTIES FOR US ALL, IS OFTEN UNFAIR AND YOUARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING WITHOUT EARNING IT BY YOUR OWN EFFORTS, ABILITIES, TALENTS AND INTELLIGENCES.

Responding to the world on the world's terms, you choose to accept that pain, difficulties, injustices and unfairness are a part of life. When disliked events occur, you marshal your inner resources to keep a good attitude, consider essential actions to remedy the problem, and then follow through. You take the stand of proactively responding to life's challenges.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: False entitlement to life free of difficulties; carrying the issue of life being unfair)


4. YOU AIM TO BE PERFECT YOURSELF, MEANING BECOMING FULLY ACCOMPLISHED AND LEARNING YOUR LESSONS, USING COMPASSION AND FIRMNESS AS WELL AS ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND APPRECIATION FOR PROGRESS HERE-AND-NOW.

You strive to be perfect in the true sense of being fully learned and accomplished with yourself and others. As you and others approximate goals, you can pretty realistically gauge the progress accomplished, showing flexibility in your approach and use of resources. Respectful, critical feedback is given when agreed upon on the issue at hand, while still supporting the individual. Praise and compliments for well-earned progress with yourself and others are offered and cordially accepted.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Needing to be perfect, meaning to attain the flawless ideal and critically evaluating how far short you fall)

5. YOU RECOGNIZE THAT A MAJORITY OF OTHER PEOPLE'S WORDS AND BEHAVIORS REFLECT THEIR OWN PROJECTED ISSUES AND ATTACHMENTS, AND ARE NOT ABOUT YOU.

Having released events happening "to you, on you, at you, upon you, or made you," you remain a free-willed agent with awareness that events occurring around you usually have little or nothing to do with you personally. You recognize that most of the time events do simply happen and it is up to you how you choose to handle them.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Taking what happens around you personally; having a chip on your shoulder or an agenda on your mind)

6. YOU DEEPLY ACCEPT OTHERS JUST AS THEY ARE, GRANT EACH PERSON THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN LIFE AND LET ANOTHER'S PERSONAL CHANGE BE THEIR BUSINESS.

You know that your future, happiness, dreams and hopes depend on yourself, as the same applies to other people. Whether others change or not, you go about your life in a relaxed, unruffled manner. Whatever level of commitment you bring to changing your life is not confused with what others bring to their lives. You conduct yourself in a direct, straightforward manner in supporting healthy growth and change in yourself and respectfully supporting the same in others.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Needing to change others and taking responsibility for others)


George Demont Otis     Marin Farms

Group 2: Making Errors in Growing is Human

7. YOU ARE COMMITTED TO A POLICY OF NO HARM, AND IF REAL HARM OCCURS THAT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, YOU RESPOND BY OWNING IT, COMMITTING TO NOT REPEAT THE HARM AND ACT RESPONSIBLY FROM HERE ON OUT, AND COMPLETELY REPAIR THE HARM YOU DID.

You know that in most cases you are not the reason or cause for an undesired event. You practice a policy of no harm and support a "live and let live" philosophy. If real harm occurs, you check out the objective reality and own what is your responsibility. You make a double commitment to not repeat the specific harm you did and positively commit to do responsible behavior, feel whatever you feel and totally repair any loss, and return to feeling fine with you.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Exist inside imagined or pseudo guilt; deserving punishment)

8. YOU LIVE WITHIN A NO FAULT/NO BLAME/NO RESENTMENT PERSPECTIVE IN AIMING TO FIND COMMON GROUND FOR MUTUAL BENEFIT. YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR BEHAVIOR AND DIRECTLY, RESPONSIBLY AND CONSTRUCTIVELY EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS.

You are unwilling to find a scapegoat, make anybody "wrong," or assign fault or blame to yourself or others, even when highly displeased and upset over some situation. Also, you are unwilling to irresponsibly ventilate your reactive feelings. Rather, you take your fair share of responsibility while supporting others in doing the same, whether they do or do not. You constructively express uncomfortable feelings, like anger, sadness, and fear, in a direct and responsible way that neither harms yourself nor others.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Blame, fault-find, dump and irresponsibly ventilate feelings)


9. YOU RELEASE FILTERING REALITY TO NEGATIVELY JUDGE IT, ALLOW YOURSELF TO SEE THE POSITIVE AND CONSTRUCTIVE, AS WELL AS KEEP AN EVEN-HANDED, OBJECTIVE VIEWPOINT.

You allow negative, non-constructive and painful information as well as positive, constructive and uplifting information to be seen for exactly what it is. You choose to give very limited time, attention, value and importance to that which goes negatively or a dark view of life. You hold your expectations about "bad" results occurring and things going "wrong" in strong check, and focus on a constructive, accurate, and objective assessment of life.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Mentally filter reality to only tune in the negative)

10. YOU ACCEPT AND HONOR WHAT AFFIRMS LIFE-ALL THAT IS POSITIVE, UPLIFTING, WHOLESOME AND NURTURING.

Making it a practice to investigate what strikes your interest, you are aware of the objective facts and information on these subjects. On this basis you accept and validate positive experiences knowing that they are relevant, pertinent and meaningful. You have no need to justify, explain, rationalize or make up reasons to back up predetermined judgments, biases or mind-sets. You let your well-grounded evidence and subjective experience guide your judgments.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Cynicism, discounting the positive, and give reasons to justify this)

11. KEEPING ON A REALISTIC, EVEN-KEEL, YOU SQUARELY FACE AND WORK WITH THE EVENTS AND SITUATIONS THAT ARISE IN YOUR LIFE, WITHOUT ANY NEED TO EXAGGERATE THEM.

You feel, communicate and act on a grounded, realistic basis and keep your expectations similarly. If "what if" questions arise or if you dream up worst-case disaster scenarios, then you quickly dismiss these unless they serve some constructive purpose. Without any need to magnify or exaggerate the importance of errors or snafus by yourself or another, you have clear vision of how to take ownership, make commitments to do no more harm and do good, and repair them.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Awfulize, catastrophize, maximize, and give undue importance)

12. YOU CAN BE WHO YOU ARE IN THE NUMEROUS HEALTHY ROLES YOU HAVE CHOSEN, WITHOUT ANY PULL TO BE IN DISEMPOWERING AND DEFEATING ROLES, LIKE VICTIM, RESCUER OR PUNISHER.

You tend to be yourself throughout your life, choosing those people, environments, situations and relationships that offer you the opportunities to be in constructive roles you desire and choose to express yourself within. Feeling that you are in major control of your own life, you have the freedom to be responsible for determining your own happiness and realizing the goals you have set for yourself. You have the liberty to be interdependent-sometimes dependent and sometimes independent-depending on the personal/situational needs and choices at hand.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Role playing-victim, rescuer and punisher, among many others)

Group 3: What's so is what's so, and we'll work with it

13. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO EXPLAIN, JUSTIFY OR FIND REASONS FOR. RATHER, YOU WORK WITHIN THE QUESTIONS OF "WHO", "WHAT?" AND "HOW?" TO DRAW SEE THROUGH THE IMAGINARY EGO AND BRING FORTH PRACTICAL ANSWERS.

Instead of dwelling in questions like "why?" that doesn't usually provide useful answers, you choose to look for practical understanding in asking "who", "what?" and "how?" These alternative questions yield helpful solutions and directions to sidestep errors and maximize effectiveness. Without needing to explain or justify anything, you focus on life working for all concerned by seeing through the imaginary ego-mind. In designing your life as functional, you derive your feelings of security and emotional calmness from within yourself, your capabilities, relationships and outcomes.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Whying, explaining, justifying, intellectualizing and giving reasons-all ego-driven)

14. EXCEPT FOR LIES, TRICKS, CONS, SCAMS AND ILLUSIONS, YOU CHOOSE TO BRING A DOUBTLESS PERSPECTIVE, RELEASE USING ANY QUALIFIERS AND MAKE CLEAR "YES" AND "NO" COMMITMENTS.

Without any need to languish in ambiguity or ambivalence, you eschew all doubts with the exceptions of what isn't real or true. Similarly, you release the use of qualifiers, like try, guess, might and could, as unworkable. You do your best to stand behind "yes" and "no" commitments, demonstrating decision-making that communicates self-assurance, self-knowledge and decisiveness.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Try, suppose, guess, ambiguity, using qualifiers and other doubt states)

15. YOU FACE, ACCEPT AND WORK WITH THE WANTED AND UNWANTED REALITIES PRESENTED TO YOU. YOUR FOCUS IS ON UNDERSTANDING ROOT CAUSES AND TRIGGERS IN ORDER TO DESIGN EVER MORE EFFECTIVE STRATEGIES TO REFINE ADAPTIVE COPING.

When undesired, negative events or desired, positive events occur, you first do your best to stay aware and accept the present situation. You choose to transform "what if?" questions into "what is" statements. Instead of following you mind by indulging in second-guessing or dreaming up unrealistic fantasies, you question and address the outside realities to gain deeper understanding of root sources and key characteristics. The intention is to face realities here-and-now and create workable strategies to respond to any situation while making desired changes.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Second guessing using could, would, might, if-then, and yes, but)

16. YOU KEEP REFINING YOUR ABILITY TO SENSE, INTUIT, LISTEN AND
RESPECTFULLY ASK WHAT IS IN ANOTHER'S MIND, HEART AND SOUL, WHILE RESPECTING ANOTHER'S RIGHT TO BE THE FINAL JUDGE IN THESE INNER REALMS.

You realize that no one can know what another thinks, feels or has built as a quality, or how another behaves as they do. You have no interest in telling another how they are or in hearing this from anyone. Alternatively, you demonstrate respect for yourself and others by protecting everyone's right to be the final arbitrator of his or her mind, heart, essence, and life.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Reading other's minds, hearts and essences)

17. YOU ENSURE THAT YOUR WISHES, VISIONS AND DREAMS ARE TRUE ONES SUPPORTED BY OBJECTIVE REALITY AND AN ACCURATE ASSESSMENT OF CAPABILITIES SO YOU CAN KEEP YOUR EMOTIONAL BALANCE.

You choose to prevent unnecessary disappointment by eliminating all false wishes, hopes and dreams given lack of necessary support by objective standards and subjective abilities. You choose to reframe, reclaim and refocus upon true visions and dreams that are well supported in life that help maximize your strengths and assets. You keep on your course in approximating your desired goals while remaining on level-ground with your feeling experience here-and-now.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: False wishing, hoping and dreaming)

18. YOU CAREFULLY AND RESPECTFULLY CHECK THE ACCURACY OF ASSUMPTIONS,
THE TRENDS ACROSS MANY EVENTS, AND THE CREDIBILITY OF YOUR
REASONING TO PURELY DRAW GROUNDED, REALISTIC CONCLUSIONS-
YOU ARE AS SUPPORTIVE OF LIFE AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

You are watchful to formulate accurate, realistic conclusions from numerous pieces of information or events. You check the truth-value of assumptions and the credibility of your thinking to accomplish this goal. You show respect to yourself and others in supporting affirmative growth and learning without indulgence in global criticism, character assassination or absolutist statements (for example, using "always" or "never").

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Over-generalize, jump to false conclusions, make absolutist statements as well as defeat and punish yourself or another)
 


George Demont Otis     Near Half Moon Bay

Group 4: Assertively and Responsibly Express Your Feelings

19. YOU ARE REALISTICALLY AND WISELY ASSERTIVE, WITHOUT FEAR, IN RELATING TO OTHERS, WHILE BEING SENSITIVE TO CONCERNS AND AREAS OF VULNERABILITY FOR EVERYONE.

You see yourself and others as quite resilient, capable and strong in facing the challenges life presents. You regularly set appropriate limits and you are aware of the effects of your behavior and attitudes on others, and vice versa. You are firmly assertive, balanced and empathetic with others, showing care for areas of sensitivity. You let others own and express their feelings without reacting to them, being manipulated by them, acting out passive-aggressively, or making them yours. You are comfortable around people, especially those you know well and trust.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Hypersensitive and fearful of hurting someone)

20. YOU RESPONSIBLY, DIRECTLY AND MODERATELY EXPRESS YOUR ANGER AND FACE CONFLICTS, WHILE LETTING THE GREAT MAJORITY OF SLIGHTS, OVERSIGHTS AND THOUGHTLESSNESS BE WISELY OVERLOOKED.

You do your best to face various forms of conflict or shows of anger in due, steady course while keeping a level head. Without moralistic judgments of "bad" and "wrong," you maintain control of yourself in regard to what you say and do as well as a great degree of what you think in the face of conflict and anger. You know you need not swing at every pitch and most selectively choose your stands. You keep unpleasantness as brief as necessary to resolve. Given that nearly all issues qualify as "small stuff," you mainly overlook them and don't sweat it.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Avoid, deny and escape conflict and expressions of anger)

21. YOU KNOW THE TRUE VALUE AND IMPORTANCE OF DIFFERENT FACETS OF LIVING,WITHOUT EXPERIENCING ANY URGE TO MINIMIZE EITHER DESIRABLE ATTRIBUTES AND COMPLIMENTS OR UNDESIRABLE CHARACTERISTICS AND ERRORS.

You abide by the policy of accurately assessing the value of all things, knowing each for just what each is. Therefore, you have the privilege to let all be as it is, both the preferred and complimentary as well as the disliked and critical. You experience no need or interest in distorting realities by shrinking or enlarging the value or importance of any one or aspect of life.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Minimize and give too little importance)

22. YOU CALMLY LIVE BY APPARENT CHOICE IN DECIDING WHAT STANDARDS, VALUES AND PRINCIPLES YOU HONOR IN THOUGHT, WORD AND ACTION, WITHOUT NEEDING TO BE DISRESPECTFUL BY PUSHING, BULLYING OR FORCING ISSUES, LAY ON GUILT AND ENACT PUNISHMENT.

You realize that how you conduct yourself is purely reflective of your level of emotional growth and is surely your personal responsibility. You know and live your priorities and principles while being very aware of other people and their priorities/principles. As breakdowns in living your values occur, you straightforwardly acknowledge them, make a recommitment to do no harm and only do good. You sincerely engage in the new behavior, staying clear of using false guilt, aggression, and "pressure words," like "should," "must," "ought to" and "have to."

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Should, must, ought, need to, have to, and force)

23. REALIZING THAT JUSTICE AND INJUSTICE ARE IMPERFECT HUMAN INVENTIONS, YOU ASSERTIVELY CREATE WHAT JUSTICE YOU CAN AND EFFECTIVELY STAND UP FOR POSITIVE CHANGES WITHOUT SUCCUMBING TO PITY, BITTERNESS, CARRYING GRUDGES OR ENACTING REVENGE.

You live being attentive, but not dwelling upon or feeding energy and negative thoughts to, injustices life presents. You do your best to truly gain understanding from them. Without any need to be bitter or carry grudges, you take the necessary action steps to resolve disagreements as you are able. You aim to be fully engaged in productive interactions and relationships, while setting respectful boundaries with everyone. You aim to foster what justice you can by advocating positive, just changes while staying clear of "pity parties" or revenge tactics.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Injustice collecting, grudge carrying and trading self-pitying stories)

24. YOU SOCIALLY INTERACT THROUGH INTERDEPENDENCE, THAT IS, YOU CHOOSE TO BALANCE HEALTHY SELF-FOCUSED INDEPENDENCE WITH HEALTHY OTHER-FOCUSED DEPENDENCE AT VARIOUS TIMES IN MEETING ESSENTIAL NEEDS.

You perceive the world in a realistically grounded fashion that maximizes both personal freedom within responsible structures as well as being humanly supportive of other people and all life. You honor this stance of interdependence in word, attitude and behavior in meeting the practical needs in living, without undue selfishness or selflessness. You focus on give-and-take, win-win, mutually rewarding interactions and relationships that enhance excellent self- and other- care, progress, success, realization and embodiment of who you truly are.

How often present: ___None ___Occasionally ___Moderately ___Usually ___Own

(Unworkable idea: Exclusively focused on oneself or on others)

*

If unworkable, non-plausible and non-credible ideas are rooted in false, negative judgments on events, then these workable, rational, plausible and credible ideas are rooted in true, positive judgments on events. Linger inside these credible, workable ideas and you'll find them more acceptable, familiar, inviting and even captivating. When to use each of these ideas is a matter of using good judgment or discernment. The ancient Greeks used the term "metis" to describe someone who exercised good judgment. As any professional or skilled trade person can verify, clients are really paying for their fine judgment. Be known by your good judgment and you will not lack for virtuous individuals seeking out your friendship and wise council.


George Demont Otis     North of Muir Beach

 
© Copyright 2013 by Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D.
 
 


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