Welcome to the archived web site of
Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Psychologist (1950-2013)
California License No. PSY 10092
 
Specializing in Presence-Centered Therapy
balancing mind and heart, body and spirit

Now in memoriam - This website is no longer being updated
While Dr. Friedman is no longer with us, there are still many helpful resources on his site. Articles and resource links have been relocated to the top. His family hopes you might find them helpful. But since this site is no longer being updated, some links may no longer work.

 


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Articles by Dr. Friedman (except where noted otherwise)

Categorized by Process | Topic

From His Book | Meditations For Life | The Flow of Money, Business and Innovation | Transpersonal/Mind-Body | Approaches, Worldview and Will-isms

Skills For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | Feeling, Thought, Communication & Action

Strategies/Distinctions For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free

Awakening Stories/Metaphors For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | The Way It Is

Holiday Family Gatherings | Cartoons, Jokes and Humor | Poems and Quotes | Song Lyrics, Wit and Wisdom

Jokes, Cartoons and Wisdom

The World According to Steven Wright
 

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

*

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

*

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

*

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

*

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

*

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

*

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology. . . the study of milkmen.

*

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday'

*

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

*

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

*

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

*

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.

*

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!

*

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'

*

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.

*

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

*

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

*

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

*

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

*

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?


George Demont Otis         Silvery Morn

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

*

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

*

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

*

So, what's the speed of dark?

*

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?

*

And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

*

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

*

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

*

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

*

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

*

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

*

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

*

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it.

*

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

*

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

*

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

*

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery's dead?

*

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

*

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

*

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

*

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

*

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

*

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

*

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

*

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

*

Do fish get cramps after eating?

*

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

*

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

*

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

*

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

*

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

*

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

*

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

*

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

*

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

*

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

*

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

*

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

*

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

*

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

*

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

*

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

*

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

*

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

*

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

*

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

*

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

*

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

*

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

*

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

*

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

*

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

*

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. . . I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

*

I have a switch in my apartment. . . it doesn't do anything. . . every once in a while, I turn it on and off. One day I got a call. . . it was from a woman in France...she said, "Cut it out"!

*

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

*

I invented the cordless extension cord.

*

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

*

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?

*

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

*

I had a friend who was a clown. . . when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

*

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

*

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

*

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

*

Sponges grow in the ocean. . . that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.

*

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

*

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

*

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

*

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said, "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

*

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

*

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

*

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

*

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

*

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

*

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

*

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

*

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

*

So, do you live around here often?

*

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

*

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

*

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. . . in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

*

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

*

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

*

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

*

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

*

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

*

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

*

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. . . well, to make a long story short. . .

*

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

*

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

*

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

*

I installed a skylight in my apartment. . . The people who live above me are furious!

*

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

*

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. . . ??

*

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one it wasn't doing what I was doing.

*

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

*

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building. . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

*

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor". . . What's my mother going to do?

*

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

*

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

*

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge. . . you can't hear him talk.

*

How young can you die of old age?

*

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

*

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

*

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

*

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

*

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

*

I had to stop driving my car for a while. . . the tires got dizzy.

*

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

*

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

*

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. . . perhaps you've seen it.

*

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

*

I invented the cordless extension cord.

*

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

*

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

*

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

*

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

*

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

*

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

*

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

*

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

*

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

*

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

*

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

*

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

*

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.

*

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

*

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

*

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

*

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

*

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

*

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

*

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

*

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

*

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

*

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

*

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

*

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

*

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

*

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

*

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time.

*

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

*

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.


George Demont Otis      My Eyes Beheld The Glory

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

*

The other day I. . . uh, no, that wasn't me.

*

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

*

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

*

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

*

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

*

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

*

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

*

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

*

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

*

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

*

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

*

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

*

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

*

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.

*

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

*

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates. . . When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

*

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

*

What's another word for Thesaurus?

*

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

*

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

*

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

*

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

*

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

*

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

*

Support bacteria—they're the only culture some people have.

*

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

*

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

*

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

*

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

*

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

*

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

*

I intend to live forever—so far, so good.

*

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

*

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

*

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

*

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

*

A fool and his money are soon partying.

*

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and. . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

*

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

*

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

*

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

*

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

*

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

*

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

*

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

*

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

*

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

*

couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

*

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

*

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

*

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

*

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

*

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

*

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

*

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

*

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

*

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

*

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

*

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

*

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

*

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is
one of my long time favorites)

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

*

Change is inevitable. . . except from vending machines.

*

A fool and his money are soon partying.

*

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

*

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

*

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

*

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

*

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

*

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

*

Half the people you know are below average.

*

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

*

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

*

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

*

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

*

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

*

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

*

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

*

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

*

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

*

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

*

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time.

*

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

*

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

*

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

*

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

*

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

*

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

*

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

*

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

*

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

*

I had amnesia once or twice.

*

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

*

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh. . . "

*

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

*

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

*

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

*

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

*

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

*

The sky already fell. Now what?

*

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

*

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

*

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

*

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

*

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

*

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

*

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually. . .

*

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

*

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

*

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

*

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

*

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

*

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

*

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

*

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

*

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

*

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

*

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

*

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.

*

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

*

Is "tired old cliche" one?

*

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

*

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

*

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

*

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

*

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

*

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

*

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

*

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

*

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play dough.

*

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

*

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

*

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

*

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

*

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

*

I had my coat hangers spayed.

*

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Déjà Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

*

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

*

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

*

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

*

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

*

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

*

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

*

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

*

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

*

It's a fine night to have an evening.

*

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. I can't stop thinking like this. This isn't all true.

*

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

*

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

*

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

*

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

*

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

*

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

*

What are imitation rhinestones?

*

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

*

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child. . . eventually.

*

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

*

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

*

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

*

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. . . ? Boy With Pail. . . Kitten On Fire.

*

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

*

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

*

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

*

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt?dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

*

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

*

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

*

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

*

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

*

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it. . .
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

*

I invented the cordless extension cord.

*

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no live on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know. . . ?my calendar has no sevens on it."

*

Today I dialed a wrong number. . . The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?". . . They said, "Uh. . . I don't think so. . . ? he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

*

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this? <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store — "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."

*

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

*

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

*

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

*

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

*

All the plants in my house are dead-I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

*

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

*

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

*

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

*

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

*

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

*

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer." Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

*

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

*

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. . . [slow glance upward]

*

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

*

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

*

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds "amazing".

*

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

*

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

*

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't remember what it was. I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

*

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

*

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long. . . "

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

*

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

*

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

*

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

*

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

*

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

*

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

*

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

*

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

*

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

*

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

*

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.?I don't trust anybody!

*

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. . . [picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge. . .

*

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

*

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

 


George Demont Otis      San Gabriel Mountains

 
 


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