Welcome to the archived web site of
Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Psychologist (1950-2013)
California License No. PSY 10092
 
Specializing in Presence-Centered Therapy
balancing mind and heart, body and spirit

Now in memoriam - This website is no longer being updated
While Dr. Friedman is no longer with us, there are still many helpful resources on his site. Articles and resource links have been relocated to the top. His family hopes you might find them helpful. But since this site is no longer being updated, some links may no longer work.

 


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Articles by Dr. Friedman (except where noted otherwise)

Categorized by Process | Topic

From His Book | Meditations For Life | The Flow of Money, Business and Innovation | Transpersonal/Mind-Body | Approaches, Worldview and Will-isms

Skills For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | Feeling, Thought, Communication & Action

Strategies/Distinctions For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free

Awakening Stories/Metaphors For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | The Way It Is

Holiday Family Gatherings | Cartoons, Jokes and Humor | Poems and Quotes | Song Lyrics, Wit and Wisdom

Jokes, Cartoons and Wisdom

The World According To Groucho Marx
 

Groucho Marx and the Marx Brothers were one of the funniest acts in Vaudeville, movies and later television. Enjoy their antics in coping with the world as it is.

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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them. . . well, I have others.

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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

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I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

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Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

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I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

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You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

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Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

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You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

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I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

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If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

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A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

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Women should be obscene and not heard.

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A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

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Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

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Before I speak, I have something important to say.

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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

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Go, and never darken my towels again.

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Humor is reason gone mad.

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I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

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I intend to live forever, or die trying.

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Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

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I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

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I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

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I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

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I'm not feeling very well-I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

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If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

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In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

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Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

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Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

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My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

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My mother loved children-she would have given anything if I had been one.

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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

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No man goes before his time-unless the boss leaves early.

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Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows-marriage does.

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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

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Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

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Room service? Send up a larger room.

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She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

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The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution-this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

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There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

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Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

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Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

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Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

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Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

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Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

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No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

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Here's to our wives and girlfriends. . . may they never meet!

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The 2003 DVD release You Bet Your Life: The Lost Episodes contains the following information about an audio bonus feature included on one of the discs:

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In December 1950 DeSoto distributed a twelve inch 78 rpm recording featuring highlights from You Bet Your Life and a holiday message from Groucho to their dealers. The nine minute recording includes an excerpt from Grouch's November 17, 1947 radio interview with Mr. and Mrs. Story of Bakersfield, California, the parents of twenty children. This interview has become legendary for a portion of it hat never aired.

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Groucho: "Why do you have so many children? It must be a terrible responsibility and burden. Mrs. Story: "Well, because I love my children and I think that's our purpose here on earth, and I love my husband." Groucho: "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."

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I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: "I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally"? I never said that.

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My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

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I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.

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Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.

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Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

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I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

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Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

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In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

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You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

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Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.

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I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.

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If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

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You'll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school!

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I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.


George Demont Otis      Voice of Spring

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

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Ice Water? Get some Onions-that'll make your eyes water!

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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

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If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

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As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

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Blood's not thicker than money.

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Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

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Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

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How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

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I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

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I married your mother because I wanted children; imagine my disappointment when you came along.

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I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me.

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Now there's a man with an open mind-you can feel the breeze from here!

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Oh are you from Wales?? Do you know a fella named Jonah?? He used to live in whales for a while.

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Remember men, you are fighting for this lady's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

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Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!

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She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

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There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

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Time wounds all heels.

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We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next year.

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Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes?

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Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

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When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth".

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Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

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It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

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Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.

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All people are born alike-except Republicans and Democrats.

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And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

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Bury me next to a straight man.

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I`m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it`s not raining.

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Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy.

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Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down.

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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

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One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

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What do you say the three of us get married: You girls have everything, you`re short and tall, and slim and stout, and blonde and brunette. And that`s just the kind of girl I crave!

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A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.

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I drink to make other people interesting.

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The only game I like to play is Old Maid...provided she`s not TOO old.

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Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.

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Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

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I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.

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I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

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I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

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I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

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We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there; once you get there. . . you're on your own.

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When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

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I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

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Whatever it is, I'm against it.

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Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

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Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

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If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

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Was that you or the duck?

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Do you mind if I don't smoke?

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Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

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Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

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Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

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My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team.

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Say! You cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it. I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing.

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Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.

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When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

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No, no, I'd rather not. I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

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We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself.

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A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

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Any place I hang my head is home.

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Quote, unquote, and quote.

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No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

 


George Demont Otis      WheretheWater

 


Home | Dedication/Orientation | Articles by Dr. Friedman | Video and Audio Clips | Annotated Resource Links | Psychology Professionals

Dr. Will’s Perspective on Practicing Psychology: Dr. Friedman's Practice | Dr. Friedman's Approach | Therapeutic Purposes | Credentials | Experience | Brochures | Interview | Events and Workshops | Website Disclaimer | Contact