Jokes and Humor For Life 7
 

[Grateful thanks and acknowledgment to Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein for the following stories from their book Heidegger and A Hippo Walk Through Those Pearly Gates (2009) that can also be found over the internet.]

*

Clara went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband-he thinks he's a refrigerator!"
"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replied. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."
"But you don't understand," Clara insisted. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

*

Fred and Clyde had had many conversations over the years about the afterlife. They agreed that whoever died first would try to contact the other and tell him what Heaven was like.
Fred was the first to pass on. A year went by. One day the phone rang, and when Clyde answered, it was Fred!
"Is it really you, Fred? He asked.
"You bet, Clyde. It's really me."
"Great to hear from you! I thought you'd forgotten. So tell me! What's it like there?"
"Well, you won't believe this, Clyde. It's absolutely wonderful! We've got the most delicious veggies from the lushest fields you have ever seen. We get to sleep in every morning, have a fabulous breakfast, and then make love the rest of the morning. After a nutritious lunch, we go out in the fields and make love some more. Then its time for a gourmet dinner and some more love-making until bedtime."
"Omigod!" said Clyde. "Heaven sounds fabulous!"
"Heaven?" said Fred. "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

*

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an American are about to be executed. They're told they can have whatever they want for their last meal.
Tony replies, "A nice bowl of linguini with clam sauce." He enjoys his plate of pasta and is duly executed.
Next, it's Pierre's turn. "I'd like a nice hot bowl of bouillabaisse." He relishes each spoonful, and is executed.
Finally, it's Bill's turn. He thinks for a minute, then says, "I'd like a nice bowl of fresh strawberries."
"Strawberries?" says the warden. "They're out of season."
"No problem, I'll wait."

*

Sam and Joe, two elderly gents, were talking on a park bench.
Said Sam, "Oy. All my life, one trouble after another. A business that went bankrupt, a sickly wife, a thief for a son. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead."
Joe: "I know what you mean, Sam."
Sam: "Better yet, I wish I'd never been born."
Joe: "Yeah, but who has such luck? Maybe one in ten thousand?"

*

The priest was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is
ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish may die."
Seated in the front row was a little old Irishwoman who laughed out loud.
Irritated, the priest said, "What's so funny?"
"Well!" said the old lady, "I'm not a member of this parish."

*

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: The tests you took showed that you have twenty-four hours to live.
Patient: That's the good news? What's the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

*

Q: "The turkeys in your frozen-food section seem so small. Do they get any bigger?"
A: "No, ma'am, they're dead."

*

Jack had passed away and his funeral service was being held at Woodlawn Cemetery. Jennifer, his wife for over forty years, had tears in her eyes. At the end of the service, as the coffin was being wheeled out, the trolley accidentally bumped into the door frame. To everyone's total shock, they heard a faint moaning coming from inside the coffin. They quickly opened it and found Jack alive. Wonder of wonders-a miracle if ever there was one.
Jenny and Jack lived together for ten more years and then Jack died. The ceremony was again held at Woodlawn. At the end of the service, as the coffin was being wheeled out on the trolley, Jenny shouted, "Watch out for that door frame!"

*

"Do you believe in reincarnation?" a golfer asked a friend during a round at the local municipal
course.
"Why, yes, I do," said the buddy.
"Well, how do you want to return to earth?"
"I want to come back as a lesbian."
"What! Why?"
"I still want to make love to women, but I want to hit from the shorter tees."

*

Three elderly men visit a doctor for a memory test. The doctor asks the firs one, "What's three times three?"
"285!" the man replies.
Worried, the doctor turns to the second man, "How about you? What's three times three?"
"Uh, Monday!" the second man shouts.
"Even more concerned, the doctor motions to the third man. "Well, what do you say? What's three times three?"
"Nine! The third man replies.
"Excellent!" the doctor exclaims. "How did you get that?"
"Oh, easy," the man says. "You just subtract the 285 from Monday!"

*

Reggie married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Okay," the judge said, "tell the Court why you want a divorce."
"Well, Your Honor," Reggie began, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical-looking, every one in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied.

*

So Heidegger and a hippo stroll up to the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter says, "Listen, we've only got room for one more today. So whoever of the two of you gives me the best answer to the question 'What is the meaning of life?' gets to come in."
And Heidegger says, "To think Being itself explicitly requires disregarding Being to the extent that it is only grounded and interpreted in terms of beings and for beings as their ground, as in all metaphysics."
But before the hippo can grunt one word, Saint Peter says to him, "Today's your lucky day, Hippy!"

*

Bird Watching

A college student spent weeks studying for a final exam in his zoology class. When he entered the lecture hall on the day of the test, he saw several pedestals at the front of the room. There was a partially covered birdcage on each stand, and only the legs of the bird in each cage were visible. The student chose a seat in the front row, hoping to get a better view of the subjects once the exam started.

The professor soon entered the hall and gave the instructions for the test. The students were to observe the legs of each bird and then identify its genus, species, common name, and habitat.

The students began to panic. There was no way he could determine anything about the birds by just looking at their legs. As the time passed, his attempts to complete the exam seemed futile. Finally, his
frustrations got the better of him and he marched up to the professor, slammed his unfinished test down on the desk, and said, "This is ridiculous! How could you expect us to know these birds by looking at their legs? I'm outta here!"

As the student made his way to the door, the professor noticed that the student's test did not have a name written on it. "Excuse me," the professor called out. "What's your name?"

The student pulled up the legs of his trousers and said, "You tell me!"

*

Eve: Do you love me?
Adam: Who else?

*

[Grateful acknowledgement is offered to Anne Kostick, Charles Foxgrover, Michael Pellowski and Michael Driscoll for the following "Not found in Webster's" items from their book 3650 jokes, puns and riddles (1998)]
 

Not found in Webster's:

Gossip columnist: Someone who writes people's wrongs.

*

Well-adjusted: Being able to make the same mistake over and over and over and over and over without getting upset.

*

Stupendous: Advanced stupidity.

*

Fortification: Two twentifications.

*

Thongs: What Thinatra things.

*

Actor: A person who works really hard at never being himself

*

Impeccable: Having immunity to woodpeckers

*

Nudist: A person who is never clothes-minded.

*

Sauna bath: a slimming pool

*

Shepherd: A person all kids flock to

*

Playground: The stuff kids use to make mudpies

*

Bracket: A shelf-help gadget.

*

Tightrope walker: A top of the line performer.

*

Bargain basement: A place where what you seize is what you get.

*

Infantry: A day-care center

*

Khakis: A necessity for automotive ignition

*

Tension: What the sergeant shots to the troops.

*

Zinc: What you do if you can't swim.

*

Amnesia: A disease often occurring in people who borrow your books.

*

Twins: Womb-mates.

*

Bigamist: A heavy fog.

*

Secret: What we tell everyone not to tell anyone.

*

Hospital: Where you might wind up if you get run down.

*

Fan mail: An air-cooled suit of armor

*

Seersucker: Someone who spends a lot of money on fortune-tellers.

*

Beauty contest: The lass roundup.

*

Bath mats: Small dry rugs children like to stand next to.

*

Lemonade: A benefit rock concert for destitute citrus fruit.

*

Beehive: A sting ensemble.

*

Zounds: Noizes.

Egoist: Someone who wants to die in his own arms.

*

Paralyze: A couple of fibs.

*

Gossip: A person with a great sense of rumor.

*

Polygon: A runaway parrot.

*

Grudge: A place to keep your car.

*

Surgeon: A student who was the class cut-up at medical school.

*

Health nut: A person the bullies will never pecan.

*

Recipe book: Thought for food.

*

Meal time gossip: A dining rumor.

*

Bacteria: Rear entrance to a cafeteria.

*

Theater school: A place where you can find some class acts.

*

Correspondence college: An institute of flyer knowledge.

*

TV Ministry: Another cable pray channel.

*

Bulldozer: Someone who can sleep through a campaign speech.

*

Flower shop: A budding enterprise

*

Seamstress: A real material girl.

*

Diploma: The person you can when your toilet backs up.
 

Operetta: An employee of the phone company.

*

Eclipse: What a gardener does to a hedge.

*

Masseurs: People who knead people.

*

Mistletoe: A kiss miss plant.

*

Calculator: A product you can count on.

*

Mall shopper: Someone who loves to go buy-buy.

*

Medal: An award heroes get stuck with.

*

Tree surgeon: A branch manager.

*

Microwave: A head full of tiny curls.

*

Obstetrician: A person who specializes in labor management.

*

Jail cell: A bar room.

*

A baby chicken coop: Cheep housing.

*

Classical Music Recital: A Bach party.

*

Charge Card Company: A place that gives everyone else all the credit for its success.

*

Mine owner: A coal-hearted individual.

*

Retirement fund: Money put aside in case your car gets a flat.

*

Dog obedience school: A make-rover class.

*

Door to door salesman: A real pain in the knock.

*

Skeletons: Stacks of bones with the people scraped off of them.

*

Golf cart: A vehicle with a fore cylinder engine.

*

Goblets: Little sailors.

*

Psychologist: A person who encourages you to speak freely and then charges you for listening.

*

Dr. Frankenstein: The first champion body builder.

*

Swing set: A place where you hope push will come to shove.

*

Rollerblading: A new fall sport.

*

Minister: A man who is the soul support of his family.

*

Cashew: The noise a nut makes when it sneezes.

*

Massage therapist: A cramp counselor.

*

Microwave: The smallest movement of the ocean.

*

Life insurance fraud: A case of mistaken identity.

*

Diet plan: fast thinking.

*

Enlistment papers: A service contract.

*

Hurricane: What Abel said to his brother when he was late for school.

*

Teepees: Past tents.

*

Tap: A beer barrel poker.

*

Miser: A Commander-in-Cheap.

*

Little Miss Muffet: A lady who knows how to make her way in the world.

*

Hangover: The Wrath of Grapes.

*

Bore: Someone who talks about himself when you'd much rather talk about yourself.

*

Doctor: Someone who suffers from good health.

*

Exhausted lover: Someone who is temporarily out of ardor.

*

Flypaper: What kites are made of.

*

Television: A medium that's neither rare nor well done.

*

Gallery: A girl's dormitory.

*

Oscillator: Something to say when taking leave of a friend.

*

Paradox: A couple of physicians.

*

Stucco: What many homeowners are getting this year.

*

Auction: When you get something from nodding.

*

Stopwatch: What a cop yells to a runaway Timex.

*

Apple turnover: Command given by an apple trainer.

*

Gardner: Someone who's sure that what goes down must come up.

*

Cauliflower: What grows on a dogwood tree.

*

Gerbil: A rat with a good press agent.

*

Dieting: The punishment for exceeding the feed limit.

*

Infantry: A sapling.

*

Digital computer: Someone who counts on his fingers.

*

Optimist: Someone who thinks things can't get any worse-after they just got worse.

*

Stalemate: Your ex-husband. (Or ex-wife)

*

Antique furniture: What you get from living with children.

*

Perfectionist: Someone who takes infinite pains…and then gives them to everyone else.

*

Kleptomania: The gift of grab.

*

Exercise: Droop therapy.

*

Icicle: A stiff upper drip.

*

Naval Destroyer: A hula hoop with a nail in it.

*

Outpatient: Someone who faints in the doctor's office.

*

Pessimist: Someone who's always building dungeons in the air.

*

Parapets: A dog and a cat.

*

Protein: Favoring young ladies and gentlemen.

*

Nudity: A one-button suit.

*

Think: What you do when you can't thwim.

*

Hangnail: A hook for your jacket.

*

Hotel: A place where you trade dollars for quarters.

*

Girdle: A pot holder.

*

Sunbathing: A fry in the ointment.

*

Artery: A painting studio.

*

Myth: A female moth.

*

Fireflies: Mosquitos with flashlights.

*

Fief: A robber with a speech impediment.

*

Monotony: Having only one spouse.

*

Europe: What the umpire calls when it's your turn at bat.

*

Consultant: Someone who gets $100 an hour to tell you the same thing your assistant told you last week.

*

Aardvark: Difficult labor.

*

Pinochle: The very tippy-top of a mountain.

*

Tumor: An extra pair.

*

Steering committee: Two backseat drivers.

*

Cauterize: Got her attention.

*

Fjord: A Swedish automobile.

*

Privatize: Sam Spade, Philip Marlowe, and Mike Hammer.

*

Graffiti: Street grime.

*

Prison graffiti: Animation cells.

*

Bowling alley: A place where pin pals meet.

*

Policeman's ball: A coptail party.

*

Geologist: A scientist with rocks in his head.

*

Dogma: A puppy's mother.

Pelican: A bird who's way down in the mouth.

*

Baby chick exhibit: A real peep show.

*

Wooly caterpillar: A worm in a fur coat.

*

Ventriloquist: A person who enjoys talking to himself.

*

Bee: A real buzz word.

*

Wind: Air that's late for work.

*

Astronomer: A night watchman.

*

Marriage: A union that defies management.

*

Psychiatrist: A person who never has to worry as long as others do.

*

Tirade: A cruel breeze.

*

Theory: A college-educated hunch.

*

Wimbledon Tennis Tournament: The supreme court.

*

Cindy Crawford: A model citizen.

*

Cloud bank: A place to save money for a rainy day.

*

Pastry chef: A bake-up artist.

*

Southpaw: A dad from below the Mason Dixon Line.

*

Fitness trainer: A person who lives off the fat of the land.

*

Sheep farmer: A person who runs a business with ewe in mind.

*

Diet doctor: A man whose patients are wearing thin.

*

Hair colorist: A dyeing breed.

*

Snowball fight: An old-fashioned cold war.

*

Pioneer: Early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

*

Ring announcer: A minister at a wedding.

*

Football center: A guy who makes snap decisions.

*

Millennium ale: A thousand beers of good taste.

*

Credit card: A debt charger.

*

Meteorite: A space chip.

*

Valiant steed: A knight mare.

*

Snowplow: A mechanical device used to fill in the end of your driveway as soon as you finish shoveling it.

*

Bachelor of Science: One who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor.

*

Drawers: Artists.

*

Greyhound: A stock cur racer.
 

Traffic light: Apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

*

Megahertz: What you feel when a computer drops on your foot.

*

Archeologist: A scientist whose career lies in ruins.

*

Vampire: Hemo-goblin.

*

Tears: Remorse code.

*

Time-out chair: A sit calm.

*

Ski jump: A soar spot.

*

Minimum: A very tiny mother from England.

*

Constitutional debate: Star-spangled banter.

*

Proofreader: A book marker.

*

Computer gossip: Chat rumors.

*

Fishing net: A lot of little holes tied together.

*

New Year's resolution: Something that goes in one year and out the other.

*

Kindred: Fear of relatives.

*

Bunions: Spicy breakfast rolls.

*

Censor: Someone who tells artists to paint scenery instead of obscenery.

*

W. C. Handy: A famous musician whose mother delivered him in a nearby washroom.

*

Sleeping bag: A nap sack.

*

Braggart: Someone who always puts his feats in his mouth.

*

Barbells: Pretty young ladies who like to hang out in saloons.

*

Dilate: To live a long, long time.

*

Counterfeit money: Pseudough.

*

Ambience: What you go to the hospital in.

*

Coincide: What you should do if it starts to rain.

*

Krakatoa: What can happen when you walk into a wall.

*

Born-again Christian: A person benefiting from a faith lift.

*

Drive-in movie: A theater with wall-to-wall car-petting.

*

Efficiency: Putting Murine in your grapefruit.

*

Prison: The place you'd go only in a pinch.

*

Alimony: 'Bye now, pay later.

*

Sleeping bag: A nap sack.

*

Canadian bacon: A heat wave in Montreal.

*

Gossip: Words that go in one ear, and in another…

*

Atrophy: What you get for winning the Boston Marathon.

*

Optimist: Someone with little experience.

*

Nostalgia buff: Someone who finds the past perfect and the present tense.

*

Miser: Someone who earns money the hoard way.

*

Skeleton: Bones with the people off.

*

Windbag: A person who's hard of listening.

*

Minnehaha: A very, very small joke.

*

Millennium: A centennial with more legs.

*

Claustrophobia: Fear of Santa.

*

Acoustic: What you shoot pool with.

*

Max at the therapist's

Max: Doc, can you open your window so I can drop gum balls onto the street?
Therapist: Why do you want to do that?
Max: Because I want to keep our streets free from elephants and that's the only way to do it.
Therapist: But there are no elephants in our streets.
Max: Thanks to me!

*

Not found in Webster's

bargain: Something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

*

Q: Why do elephants wear green pajamas?
A: To camouflage themselves on pool tables.
Q: Did you ever see an elephant on a pool table?
A: No. See, it works.

*

Just saying "no" prevents teenage pregnancy the way "have a nice day" cures chronic depression.
—Faye Wattleton

*

Noticing that one of her students was making faces at others on the playground, Mr. Petry walked over to the boy. She said, "Truman, you shouldn't make those ugly faces."
"Why not?" Truman asked.
Smiling sweetly, she said, "Truman, when I was a child, my teacher told me that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that forever."
Truman replied, "Well, if you didn't listen, why should I."

*

Max at the therapist's

Max: Doc, I don't think I need to see a therapist.
Therapist: Let me be the judge of that. Would you please start at the beginning.
Max: Before or after I created the Heavens and the Earth?

*

Marlena: Do you love me, my darling?
Maurice: Of course, sweetheart.
Marlena: Would you die for me?
Maurice: No, precious. Mine is an undying love.

*

The highway patrolman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw an elderly woman whiz past him, busily knitting as she drove. Quickly he pulled up beside her vehicle and shouted, "Pull over."
"No," she replied. "Socks!"

*

A policeman came upon an accident, where a lawyer was shining about the damage done to his BMW. "Officer, I opened the door and another car whizzed by and tore it off! Look what happened to my expensive car!"
The officer said, "You lawyers care so much about material things, you make me sick!"
"How can you say such a thing?" demanded the lawyer.
"Because," said the officer, "you're so worried about your BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh, no!" cried the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

*

We put man on the moon long before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage.
—Author Unknown

*

Poof! The light is on-(I'm not there yet)-but getting closer!!

An 80-year-old man went for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor said.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"

"Oh my Lord!" Ethel exclaimed. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

*

Sitting in the dentist's chair, Mrs. Busby grew pale. She said, :I honestly don't know what's worse-having my teeth drilled or having a baby."
The dentist replied, "Well, make up your mind so I'll know which way to tilt the chair."

*

One afternoon centuries ago, some Eskimos got so cold while they were out fishing that they lit a fire in the bottom of their kayak. Unfortunately their kayak caught on fire and sank. The moral: "You can't have your kayak and heat it too."

*

A busload of ku-klux-klaner's returning from a rally fell into a precipice, with the result that all the members found themselves abruptly in front of the pearly gates.
An angel on duty came out to welcome them. "My function is to give you a short briefing before the meeting with the supreme judge", the angel said. "Seeing your condition. I'll make it really brief. You see, God... she is black.

*

A little boy got lost at a baseball game. He found security guard and said, "I don't know where my dad is."
"What's he like?" asked the policeman.
"Beer and women," said the boy.

*

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
—Lily Tomlin

*

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back). He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

*

Consider the widow who takes an old picture of her husband to a photographer. Her husband is wearing a hat in the photo, and she wants to know if the photographer can remove the hat.
"Sure," he says. "It's relatively easy to airbrush that out. But tell me, what side of his head did he part his hair on?"
"I forget," she says. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."

*

God does not believe in atheists. Therefore atheists do not exist.
—Sonny Manuel, Pastor

George Demont Otis      San Gabriel Mountains