Welcome to the archived web site of
Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Psychologist (1950-2013)
California License No. PSY 10092
 
Specializing in Presence-Centered Therapy
balancing mind and heart, body and spirit

Now in memoriam - This website is no longer being updated
While Dr. Friedman is no longer with us, there are still many helpful resources on his site. Articles and resource links have been relocated to the top. His family hopes you might find them helpful. But since this site is no longer being updated, some links may no longer work.

 


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Articles by Dr. Friedman (except where noted otherwise)

Categorized by Process | Topic

From His Book | Meditations For Life | The Flow of Money, Business and Innovation | Transpersonal/Mind-Body | Approaches, Worldview and Will-isms

Skills For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | Feeling, Thought, Communication & Action

Strategies/Distinctions For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free

Awakening Stories/Metaphors For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | The Way It Is

Holiday Family Gatherings | Cartoons, Jokes and Humor | Poems and Quotes | Song Lyrics, Wit and Wisdom

Jokes, Cartoons and Wisdom

Jokes and Humor For Life 6
 

Question: Are you ignorant, apathetic or ambivalent?
Answer: I don't know, I don't care, one way or another.

*

My male roommate and I mixed up our nicotine and testosterone patches. He got cranky and hungry. I got a raise and a corner office.
—Karen Ripley

*

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Tell ya later.

*

Do one-eyed and blind people experience deja vu?

*

Oneness creates the idea of being a separate individual and goes around looking for something called not being a separate individual... it's a joke, it's the biggest joke in town.
—Tony Parsons

*

There ain't no Sanity Claus.
Groucho Marx (originally Julius Henry Marx)
[In the movie A Night at the Opera (screenplay by George Kaufman& Morrie Ryskind]

*

Three realized members of a Nondual group are discussing realization. The first member says, "When I realized I became Awareness itself."

The second replies, "I became the Absolute."

The third, looking very annoyed says, " I have no time for that kind of bullshit. I don't need to realize. Everyday, my wife lets me know that, in her eyes, I'm Nothing."

*

Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day. But teach a man how to fish, and he'll be dead of mercury poisoning inside of three years.
—Charles N. Haas

*

There are three kinds of people: the ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest, who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
—Source Unknown

*

Actual country song titles:

· "I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me"

· "You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too"

· "I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart"

*

Little Joey: Grandpa, will you make a noise like a frog?
Grandpa: Why should I do that?
Little Joey: Because Grandma says if you croak we can go to Disneyland.

*

Maurice: How did you enjoy your drive in the country?
Malcolm: I had a bad experience. I was driving along a winding road when a pretty women driving in the opposite direction stuck her head out her window and yelled, "Pig!"

Maurice: Were you insulted?
Malcolm: Of course, I had half a mind to turn the car around and go after her so I could her a name!

Maurice: Why didn't you?
Malcolm: Because when I drove around the next bend I crashed into a pig.

*

Maurice was driving down a country road when his car got stuck in a large, muddy hole. He was unable to free the car himself so he called to a farmer who was standing idly by a team of oxen in a nearby field. When the farmer offered to pull the car out of the mud for $100, Maurice readily accepted. Using the oxen, the farmer pulled the car out very quickly. He said to Maurice, "you know, that was the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

Maurice paid him the money and said, "If you're always pulling cars out of the mud during the day, do you have to plow your fields at night?"

"No." the farmer replied. "Night is when I put water in that hole."


George Demont Otis      Verbenas

Hector: So you want to be a doctor?
Chester: Not just any doctor-a specialist.
Hector: What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
Chester: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

*

First comic: I'm not going to tell any more lawyer jokes.
Second comic: Why not?
First comic: Because lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

*

Blanche (on the phone): Herb, come home right away. The car won't start.
Herb: But it was perfectly fine this morning.
Blanche: Maybe so, but now the carburetor is flooded.
Herb: Honey, you knew nothing about cars. Why do you think there's water in the carburetor?
Blanche: Because the car's in the swimming pool.

*

The women's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One evening, he came to and motioned her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You've been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you stood by me. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you never left me. You know what?"

"What, dear?" she gently asked, her heart filled with warmth.

"You're really bad luck."

*

''May I have a cup of tea, honey?' asked the husband.
''Sure, why not.... allow me a minute'', replied the wife.
One hour passed by but his wife didn't turn up.
"Honey, it's past an hour that I requested you for a small favor''
''Yes, I heard you and that's what I'm telling you since an hour-wait a minute, can't you!!''

*

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted so she could hang it over the fireplace. She instructed the artist, "paint me with gold earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a huge diamond ring."

"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist said.

"I know," she replied, "but if I die and my husband remarries, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"

*

Who Are You?

I made an important call this morning. I wanted to know how to get back home. I wasn't sure who to call, so I dialed up my next-door neighbor and said, "I need to get back home."

"Where are you?" she asked me.

"I'm sitting on my couch."

"Well, then you are at home," was her perplexed reply.

"It just doesn't feel like home," I said somewhat peevishly. "It feels so....not at home."

"But you don't have to feel like you're at home when you are," she said practically.

"You don't understand," I said. "I want to get back home."

There was a silence on her end of the line.

"Where are you?" I said.

"I'm at home," she said.

"How did you get there?"

"I live here," she said with a touch of irony.

"You must be enlightened," I said.

"No, I'm Baptist. But I know when I'm at home. I don't have to be enlightened to know where I am."

When I asked her who she was, she hung up on me.
—Vicki Woodyard

*

Little Missy: Little Joey, do you want to play house?

Little Joey: Sure! What do you want me to do?

Little Missy: I want you to communicate.

Little Joey: What does that mean?

Little Missy: Perfect. You can be the husband.

*

One day Trouble and his pal Mind Your Own business were walking down the street. Trouble got lost and Mind Your Own Business went to look for him. Mind Your Own Business walked over to a policeman to ask for help.

The policeman said, "What's your name?"

He said, "Mind Your Own Business."

The irritated policeman said, "Are you looking for trouble?"

Mind Your Own Business replied, "How did you know?"

*

A man with a frog growing out of his forehead goes to his medical doctor. The medical doctor says, "I can see the problem you are facing."
The frog says, "Yea, it all began as a bump on my ass."

*

[Gracious thanks and acknowledgment to the Fifth Edition of Pretty Good Joke Book (2009) gathered by the annual joke program of A Prairie Home Companion.]

*

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you hear them talk.

*

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

*

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

*

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

*

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who stayed up all night debating the existence of Dog?

*

On my computer are the two buttons representing the things I can never have: Control an Escape.

*

Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?
He always thought he was following someone.

*

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?"

*

Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.

*

The plane came in for a hard landing, but it wasn't the pilot's fault.

It was the asphalt.

*

Have you heard about the new existentialist breakfast cereal?
It's called Raisins D'etre.

*

A man has a son that was born without a body, only a head. When the head turned 21, his father decided they would go and have some beers. So they go to the local pub and the boy gets his first beer. After drinking just a sip he instantly grows a body. Then with another drink he grows a set of arms. In excitement, he drinks the rest and grows legs and feet He jumps up and down with elation, runs out of the bar and directly into the street, where he is hit and killed by a semi. The moral of this story is that sometimes you sould quit while you're a head.

*

A recent newsworthy item stated that there was a murder at the local fish market. A woman killed a gentleman just for the halibut. He was hard of herring, it was later found.

*

Question: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: How many therapists do you think it takes to change a light bulb?

*

Question: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None. The Zen master is the light bulb.

*

Q: Knock, knock.
A: Doris
Q: Doris who?
A: Doris locked that's why I'm knocking.

*

Q. Knock, knock.
A: Sherwood.
Q: Sherwood who?
A: Sherwood like to come in, if you'd only open the door.

*

Q: Why did the egg cross the road?
A: It had an inclination.

*

I was asking what the difference was between mine and pantomime and no one would say.

*

Q: What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
A: You get repossessed.

*

A man went to a friend's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.
"What have you come as?" asked his friend.
"A snail."
"How can you be a snail when all you've got is a girl on your back?"
"That's Michelle.


George Demont Otis      Lankershim Valley 1923

Q: Guess what.
A: What?
Q: That's what.
A: What's what?

*

Q: What did God say when he first saw Niagara Falls?
A: "Oh, my Self!"

*

"Henry," the old woman says, "Your fires don't burn as hot as they used to!"
"Martha," he says, "Your flue don't draw the way it used to!"

*

"Doctor," said the patient. "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me," the doctore replies.
"Is that common?"
"It's not unusual."

Q: What do you call a doctor who graduated at the bottom of his class?
A: Doctor.

*

Q: What's the difference between a pop musician and a jazz musician?
A: The pop musician plays three chords for a thousand people, and the jazz musician plays a thousand chords for three people.

*

Q: Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid?
A: He said it was no problem-he could stop any time.

*

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

*

The Greek and the Italian were arguing about the superiority of their respective cultures. The Greek said, "We built the Acropolis."

"Well," the Italian said, "We came up with the Coliseum."

The Greek said, "But we invented advanced mathematics."

The Italian said, "Yes, but, we had the Holy Roman Empire."

The Greek then said, "We invented sex," and the Italian said, "Yes, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

*

The old man died while he was making love with his old wife. They made love every Sunday morning to the rhythm of the church bells, nice and slow, and then that ice cream truck came along.

*

The nice thing about Alzheimer's is, you can enjoy the same joke again and again.

*

One day, two old folks were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time…but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How son do you need to know?"

*

I'm at that stage in life where your options are slim or none. It's like elephants and fleas. I used to be an elephant and now I'm a flea. An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants.

*

Woman: did you know that women are smarter than men?
Man: No, I didn't.
Woman: See what I mean?

*

A man's wife was in labor with their first child and suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" He asked the nurse what was wrong with her.
The nurse said, "She's having contractions."

*

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife get up and unplugs the TV.

*

Once there was a blonde cowboy walking naked down the Main Street of Dodge. The sheriff said, "What happened, Blonde Cowboy?"

The blonde cowboy said, "Well, I was with this cheap floozy and she took off her clothes and I took off my clothes and she said, 'Now go to town cowboy…' So here I am."

*

Q: Why do we call it politics?
A: Because poly means many and ticks mean blood-sucking parasites.

*

The real reason you can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shall Not Steal," "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

*

There are three guys in the waiting room of a hospital. A nurse comes out to the firs and says, "Congratulations, you are the father of twins."

He says, "What a coincidence. I work for Twin City Federal."

A while later, the nurse comes out to congratulate the second father: "You are the proud father of triplets."

"What a coincidence!" says the father. "I work for AAA."

Hearing that, the third expectant father runs out of the waiting room.

"Sir, where are you going?" calls out the nurse.

He yells over his shoulder, "I work for 10,000 Auto Parts!"

*

I bought these new boots. They are made from possum and deer hide and they feel great when I wear them. There is just one problem. When I see headlights in the dark, I get this uncontrollable urge to run into the middle of the road and just stand there.


George Demont Otis      San Gabriel Mountains

A man with a compulsive winking problem applies for a job as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his application and says, "You're the best qualified candidate but I'm afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers."

The man says, "But wait! If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we don't want our employees womanizing all over-what about those condoms?"

"Oh, that. Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asking for aspirin?"

*

It's like the kid who never said a word for six years. His parents took him to speech therapists but the kid never spoke. And then one morning at breakfast, he looked up from his bowl of cereal and said, "The milk is sour."

The parents were so happy. They said, "You talk perfectly. Why did you wait so long?"

He said, "Up until now everything's been okay."

*

A woman answers her door, and a man is standing there. He says, "Lady, I'm sorry, but I think I just ran over your cat."

The woman say, "Oh, no! I don't think so, he hardly ever gets out of the house. I don't think it could be my cat.

He says, "Yeah, I'm afraid so. It came running right out of the yard. I tried to stop, but I couldn't stop."

"Oh, surely not!"

"What does it look like?"

"Well, it's kind of flat and runny."

"No, what did it look like before you hit it?

"Surprised."

*

A park ranger is explaining the difference between a raven and a crow. "A raven has six pinions on each wing, and a crow has five pinions on each wing. So really, it's just a matter of a pinion."

*

The father asked his son why he got poor grades in English.
The son said, "I don't like to read."
The father said, "What's wrong? Are you dyslexic?"
The boy said, "On."

*

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

*

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

*

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks

*

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

*

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

*

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

*

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

*

A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.

Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?

*

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

*

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"


George Demont Otis      Trees and Sea

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good-looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment-a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

*

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist.

The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.

"Crap!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

*

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

*

Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.?

*

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."?
The other says, "Are you sure?"?
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."?

*

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."?

*

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: ?"A beer please, and one for the road."

*

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

*

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

*

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

*

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.?

*

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.?

*

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

*

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."

The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

*

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student. ? "Sadness," he replied. ?

"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student. ?

"Elation," he replied. ?

"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.?

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

*

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.

"Break it to her gently," they all urge.

"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

*

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.

*

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
—Steven Wright

*

Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?" ???

*

The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room."
The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."

*

I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets." ???

*

Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...


George Demont Otis      Bend in the River

 

 


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