Welcome to the archived web site of
Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Psychologist (1950-2013)
California License No. PSY 10092
 
Specializing in Presence-Centered Therapy
balancing mind and heart, body and spirit

Now in memoriam - This website is no longer being updated
While Dr. Friedman is no longer with us, there are still many helpful resources on his site. Articles and resource links have been relocated to the top. His family hopes you might find them helpful. But since this site is no longer being updated, some links may no longer work.

 


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Articles by Dr. Friedman (except where noted otherwise)

Categorized by Process | Topic

From His Book | Meditations For Life | The Flow of Money, Business and Innovation | Transpersonal/Mind-Body | Approaches, Worldview and Will-isms

Skills For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | Feeling, Thought, Communication & Action

Strategies/Distinctions For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free

Awakening Stories/Metaphors For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | The Way It Is

Holiday Family Gatherings | Cartoons, Jokes and Humor | Poems and Quotes | Song Lyrics, Wit and Wisdom

Jokes, Cartoons and Wisdom

Jokes and Humor For Life 5 

[Kind acknowledgment and thanks go the Swami Vishnu-devananda who uses jokes, humor and stories to illustrate and clarify many philosophical and spiritual teachings.]
 

Man to God, "O Lord, I want peace."
God to Man, "When you remove yourself of 'I' and the 'want' you will automatically have peace."

*

It is a tradition in the United States for people to make statements through car bumper stickers. Here are a few funny bumper stickers.

Procrastinate now.

My Karma ran over my Dogma!!

Never drive faster than your angel can fly!!

I'd rather be in Samadhi.

Out of body. Will be back in 15 minutes!

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools

Vegetarians visualize whirled peas

*

Meditation: You have the right to remain silent.

*

Don't just do something, sit there.

*

Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time.

*

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask
him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.


George Demont Otis      My Eyes Beheld

Have you heard of the cow who attained liberation (Moksha)?
It was dyslexic and kept on repeating OOOOMMM !

*

This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped, then grabbed at a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so had passed he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me."

All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.

The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, then said: "Is there anyone else up there?"

When two psychic friends met, one said: "You are fine. How am I ?"

*

Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?
A: Because he didn't have any attachments.

*

Two men meet on the street. One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I don't know. But it's better than sitting around and do nothing!"

*

The Swiss, as we all know, tend to be placid people. Some go as far as claiming that we are occasionally somewhat slow. Three Swiss monks of the Benedictine Order were meditating high in the Alps. Suddenly, a beautiful milk cow walked by. The first monk said, "HHHMMM, this is Fritz's cow, I tell you."

Half an hour later, the second monk said, " HHHMMM, really that was Kurt's cow. I'm quite sure."

An other half hour later, the third Swiss monk stood up and said, "I'm going away, I can't stand you guys having an argument around me when I'm trying to meditate."

*

"I think it would be a good idea."
—Mahatma Gandhi when asked what he thought of Western civilization.

*

An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him, "You can stay here but we have one important rule-all students observe Mouna or a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years. After practicing for 12 long years Yoga Asanas, Meditation, a lot of Karma Yoga, etcetera, the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question."

He said: "The bed is too hard."

He kept going for another 12 years of hard Sadhana and austere discipline and got
the opportunity to speak again. He said, "The food is not good."

Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice, "I quit."

His Guru quickly answered, "Good, all you have been doing anyway is
complaining."

*

If God is not the answer, what was the question?

*

For the majority of us the most horrible fear is the fear of public speaking in and
the second most frightening fear is the fear of death.

Does that mean that if we had to do a speech at a funeral we would prefer to be dead?

*

How do you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.

How do you make God laugh?
Say: "This is mine."

*

What makes God laugh?
When a doctor tells his patient: "I cured you"

*

Mulla Nasrudin went to see a psychiatrist. He said: "My trouble is that I can't remember anything."

"When did this start?" asked the doctor.

"When did what start?" said Nasrudin.

—A Sufi tale collected by Indries Shah

*

During his stint as host of a show called You Bet Your Life, Groucho Marx interviewed many participants. On one occasion he interviewed a Mrs. Story, who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," Mrs. Story said enthusiastically. "I like cigars, too," said Groucho, "but I take it out once in a while."
-Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

*

A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered, "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally the man asked, " God, could you give me a penny?"
And God said, "In a minute!"

*

[Many of the jokes that follow come from Timothy Conway's website www.Enlightened-spirituality.org/Spiritual _Humor.html]

*

Chicken Crossing:
—Author Unknown

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

Taoist sage Lao Tzu: The road that can be crossed is not the true Road. (Tao Te Ching)

Also from Lao Tzu: Those who cluck do not know. Those who know do not cluck.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Star Trek's Captain Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

John Lennon: Imagine all the world's chickens, crossing every road in peace…

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Steven Wright: Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

*

What did one Zen meditator give to another for her birthday?
Nothing.

What did the birthday girl say in response?
"You are so really thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift."
To which the giver replied, "Thank you!"

*

Toward the end of the services, the Minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "It's easy. I just outlived them all."

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night.
A lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

*

Vow of Silence
—Author Unknown

An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him: "You can stay here but we have one important rule-all students observe a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak one sentence only after 12 years."

After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say his one sentence. He said: "The bed is too hard."

He kept going for another 12 years of hard spiritual practices and austere discipline; then came his opportunity to speak again. He commented: "The food is not very good."

Twelve more years of hard work and he got the chance to speak once again. This time, after 36 years of practice, he announced: "I quit."

His Guru retorted: "Good! all you've done the whole time is complain, complain, complain."

*

In the beginning there was nothing and God said, "Let there be light," and there was still nothing but everybody thought for sure that they could see and feel something.

*

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!… There's so much to live for!

He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist
Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off."

—Emo Philips


George Demont Otis      Lupine

Best Country Song Titles
—Author Unknown (Actual titles for real songs that were recorded and released)

1. I've Got Tears in My Ears from Lyin' on My Back and Cryin' Over You
2. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
4. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
5. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
6. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day Long
7. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
8. My Wife Ran Off with My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
9. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger
10. Please Bypass this Heart
11. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love You
12. If I Can't Be Number One in Your Life, Then Number Two on You
13. I'm So Miserable without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
16. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
17. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
18. I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
19. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
20. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissin' You Goodbye

*

You know you are co-dependent if you are dying and someone else's life flashes in front of you.

*

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity."
—Albert Einstein

*

Service

Nasrudin was in a patent office trying to patent a magic wand.
"I'm sorry," said the clerk, "we don't patent impossible inventions."
So Nasrudin waved his magic wand, and the clerk disappeared.
—A Sufi story collected by Indries Shah

*

Some folks are wise, and some are otherwise.
—Tobias Smollett

*

…if you are not on the way, you're in the way, so it's best that you get out of the way.
—Bill White

*

Due to a lack of interest tomorrow has been canceled.
—Author Unknown

*

Where is God?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

When Jack London had his portrait made by the noted San Francisco photographer Arnold Genthe, London began the encounter with effusive praise for the photographic art of his friend and fellow Bohemian. "You must have a wonderful camera.

It must be the best camera in the world. You must show me your camera."
Genthe then used his standard studio camera to make what has since become a classic picture of Jack London. When the sitting was finished, Genthe could not contain himself, "I have read your books Jack and I think they are important works of art. You must have a wonderful typewriter."

*

Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike competition in Monte Carlo and came third.

*

When love is right, 1 + 1 = 10,000
—Dave Weinbaum

*

My license plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me off.
—Wendy Liebman

*

When a lot of dogs are on the beach, the first thing they do is smell each other's asses. The information that's gotten somehow makes pacifists out of all of them. I've thought, "If only we smelled each other's asses, there wouldn't be any war."
—Dustin Hoffman

*

[Note: Kind acknowledgment and thanks are offered to comic Swami Beyondananda for the next four jokes culled from his column "Dear Swami" and from his several books]

*

Three men—a swami, a rabbi, and a hedge fun manager—were traveling and needed a place to stop for the night. They stopped at a farmhouse, and the farmer told them he had only two spare beds, so one of them would have to sleep in the barn. The swami, being a humble man, volunteered to sleep there. But in five minutes, there was a knock on the door. It was the swami. He apologized profusely, and said that although cows were sacred in his tradition it was not appropriate to sleep near them.

The rabbi said, "I have nothing against cows," and he volunteered to sleep in the barn. Five minutes later came another knock on the door. It was the rabbi. "there's a pig in the barn," he said. "Pigs aren't kosher, and it wouldn't be right for me, a rabbi, to sleep that close to them."

At this point the hedge fund manager jumped up. "Look, we need to get some sleep so I'll sleep out there. I have no problem with cows or pigs. Out he went, and in five minutes there was another knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.

*

Two psychiatrists each had their practice in the same building for twenty-five years, but had never spoken. After a quarter-century in practice, one of them still appeared young and upbeat. The other looked old and beat up.

One day, they bound themselves on the elevator together. Unable to contain his curiosity, the prematurely-aged psychiatrist began a conversation with his colleague. "I've got to know," he began. "How can you spend twenty-five years listening to people's problems and still look so bright and cheerful?"

"Who listens?" was the reply.

*

Two seminary students shared the same vice: smoking cigarettes. Plagued by guilt, they decided each to go separately to the Monsignor and ask permission to smoke. When next they saw each other and compared notes, they were puzzled to find they had each been given a different answer.

"I asked the Monsignor if I could smoke while I was praying," said the first student, "and he said, 'Certainly not!"

"That's funny," said the second student. "I asked if it was all right if I prayed while I was smoking, and he said, "Of course."

*

A reporter once came to interview Albert Einstein. When she arrived at his laboratory at Princeton, she was surprised to notice a horseshoe hanging above the door.

"Professor Einstein," she said, "surely a great scientist like you doesn't believe a horse-shoe will bring good luck."

"Of course not," he replied. "I think that notion is utter nonsense."

"Then, why is that horseshoe up there?" she asked.

"Because it works whether you believe it or not," Einstein replied.

*

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books and crying. He asks, "What's wrong?"
"The word is 'celebrate'," says the old monk

*

Q: What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?
A: Nothing wrapped in Emptiness.
Q: How did the birthday child respond?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."

*

Four young monks take a vow of silence. They're sitting in the meditation hall, when one of them complains out loud about something.
Then the second one says, "Be quiet!"
Then the third one says, "You are both talking!"
Then the last one says, proudly, "I am the only one who has not spoken!"

Three monks decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.

The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water. Undeterred, the wet monk climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"


George Demont Otis      Springtime on the Dunes

Zen knock-knock joke...

"Knock-knock..."
"Who's there?"
"No one."

*

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

*

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift,
liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she thought she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so that we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing that he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back on his motorcycle and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo doing a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I think this guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean a really big shot," said the cop.
"Who've you got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger"
"Governor?"
"Bigger"
"Well", said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."

*

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

*

A mother was preparing pancakes for her boys, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

*

I once cheated on my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

*

I dreamed I did my best card-trick for God and He said, "I know exactly how you did it."

*

How can protons have mass when they are not even Catholic?

*

Had God made the Earth the way Microsoft built Windows, a single bug would have prompted "Fatal Error" and could've ended the world.

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and
he came home a Christian. What can I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."

So, they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"

And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their
prayer, a voice came from the heavens, "Funny you should ask," said the voice.
"I, too, sent my son to Israel . . . "

*

Why Worry?

You don't have to worry.
You are either healthy or sick,
If you are healthy, you have nothing to worry about.
If you are sick, you are either going to get better or you die.
If you get better, you have nothing to worry about.
If you die, you will either go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you go to hell you will be so busy saying hi to all your friends to have time to worry.

*

Somebody asked Maharishi Yogi:
How can I help others?
He said: "Which others?"

*

The Bird and the Sh—

Once upon a time, there was a little bird who refused to fly south for the winter. His friends tried to convince him that winter was coming and he should go, but the little bird was adamant. Finally, his friends left on their journey, but the little bird remained behind. Pretty soon the weather turned bitter cold. The little bird began to shiver. After a while, he decided he had made a mistake, so he too headed south. But he was too late and the weather descended upon him. As he flew, ice formed on his wings. He grew more and more weary until finally he fell to earth in a cow pasture, freezing and exhausted. He was convinced he was going to die. As he lay there, freezing to death, a cow came by and crapped on him. The manure warmed his body and wings. The bird realized he would live. He was so happy, he began to sing. A cat was passing by and heard the singing. The cat dug into the manure, uncovered the bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who sh—s on you is necessarily your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of the sh— is necessarily your friend.

3. And, if you're happy in your own pile of sh—, keep your mouth shut.

*

One day pandit Totoram went to buy a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" he asked the shopkeeper.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assured him. "Do you see
those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Ramayana, and when you pull on the left he recites the Bhagavad-Gita."
"Wonderful!" said pundit, "but what happens if I pull both strings?"
"I'll fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

Made by God

Grandpa and his grandson were sitting reading when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little boy asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little boy seemed to be studying his grandpa, as well as his
own reflection in the mirror, while his grandfather wondered what was running through his mind. At last he spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," he said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

*

What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners?
"Too many attachments!"

*

The Other Shore

The disciple goes walking and comes to the shore of the river. He looks up and down to seek a way to the other side but can see none. Suddenly he eyes a master sitting on the other shore. "Excuse me master how do I get to the other shore?" he shouts.

The master looks up and down the river a while, "You already are on the other shore," was his reply.

*

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

*

One day, Jesus, Moses and an older gentleman were playing golf. The hole was a short Par-3, with a small pond right in the center. Moses walks up first, pulls out an 8-iron, and swings. The ball looks short, and is about to hit the water when Moses suddenly thrusts his arms out to both sides. The water in the pond parts, and the ball rolls along the bottom of the pond, up on the green, and eventually comes to rest about 6 inches from the pin.

Jesus takes the next shot, pulls out his 9-iron and swings. Again, the ball looks short, and looks like it's going to hit the water as well. But instead, the ball bounces off the surface of the water, rolls along the top of the pond, on to the green, and stops about 3 inches from Moses' ball.

The older man is up next. He walks to the tee, pulls out his pitching wedge and takes half a swing. The ball slices sharply to the right, hits a tree and bounces left. It bounces off the second tree, and goes right in the pond with a resounding plop. In the pond, a fish swims by and picks up the ball as it's sinking in the pond, and swims it to the surface. Just as the fish comes to the top of the pond, a bird flies by and plucks the fish out of the water. The bird flies around the green with the fish (still holding the ball) about 3 or 4 times, when he swoops down toward the green. And just before the bird hits the green, the fish drops the ball right in the hole.
Jesus and Moses look astonished for a few moments, until Moses gets angry, and throws down his clubs. He gives Jesus a dirty look, and exclaims, "That's it! I'm NEVER playing golf with your dad again!"

John Abraham was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

John looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

*

Finding Jesus

An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


George Demont Otis      Desert Bloom

The Dalai Llama has toothache so he makes an appointment to see his dentist. When he gets there and enters the surgery he tells the Dentist that he wants no anesthetic of any kind for his treatment. The Dentist asked why and he replied that he wanted to-Transcend Dental Medication!

*

Q. What did the sign in the window of the yoga master searching for a new disciple say?
A. Inquire within!

6th Grade History Test

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Job Applications

1. "I was wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions."
2. "Its best for employers that I not work with people."
3. "Lets meet so that you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
4. "I am a perfectionist, and rarely if if ever forget details."
5. "Marital status: single, unmarried, unengaged, uninvolved. No commitments."
6. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
7. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
8. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely
nothing."
9. "My goal is to become a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stocks."
10. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
11. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
12. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest Chain Store."
13. "Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."
14. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
15. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 AM every morning. I could not work under these conditions."
16. "The company made me a scapegoat—just like my three previous employers."
17. "References: none. I have left a path of destruction behind me."

*

Job Evaluations

1. "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it is only to change whichever foot was already in there."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far—and the sooner he starts the better."

*

Military Performance Appraisals

1. "He must have gotten into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking."
2. "He has a room temperature IQ."
3. "A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
4. "Has a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
5. "One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
6. "Donated his body to science before he was done using it."
7. "The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is not coming."
8. "Has two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it."
9. "He is so dense that light bends around him."
10. "If brains were taxed he would get a rebate."
11. "If he were any more stupid he would have to be watered twice a week."
12. "Its hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
13. "It takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes."

*

Private: "What I think is…"
Sergeant (interrupting): "If we wanted you to think, we would have issued you a brain!"


George Demont Otis      Verbenas

 


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