Welcome to the archived web site of
Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Psychologist (1950-2013)
California License No. PSY 10092
 
Specializing in Presence-Centered Therapy
balancing mind and heart, body and spirit

Now in memoriam - This website is no longer being updated
While Dr. Friedman is no longer with us, there are still many helpful resources on his site. Articles and resource links have been relocated to the top. His family hopes you might find them helpful. But since this site is no longer being updated, some links may no longer work.

 


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Articles by Dr. Friedman (except where noted otherwise)

Categorized by Process | Topic

From His Book | Meditations For Life | The Flow of Money, Business and Innovation | Transpersonal/Mind-Body | Approaches, Worldview and Will-isms

Skills For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | Feeling, Thought, Communication & Action

Strategies/Distinctions For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free

Awakening Stories/Metaphors For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | The Way It Is

Holiday Family Gatherings | Cartoons, Jokes and Humor | Poems and Quotes | Song Lyrics, Wit and Wisdom

Jokes, Cartoons and Wisdom

Jokes and Humor For Life 3 
 

[Some of the material that follows is borrowed or adapted from the book and CD's of Pretty Good Joke Book, Fourth Edition, which compiles the best humor from the first nine Joke Shows of A Prairie Home Companion radio programs hosted by Garrison Keillor. Additionally, some of the material that follows is borrowed from the book Jokes by Paul Dickson. Deep appreciation is extended to all who helped gather and present these jokes.]

*

Three engineers are arguing about which is better, mechanical, electrical, or civil engineering. The mechanical engineer says, "God must've been a mechanical engineer: look at the joints in the human body." The second says, "No, God must've been an electrical engineer: look at the nervous system." And the third says, "God had to be a civil engineer: who else would've run a waste disposal pipeline right through a great recreational area?"

*

A tourist visiting Hawaii was wondering exactly how you pronounce the state's name. He approached a fellow traveler and asked, "How do you pronounce Hawaii?"
The traveler said, "HA-VI-YI."
The tourist was pleased and thanked the man.
The traveler replied, "You're Velcome."

*

Jesus and Buddha were playing golf one day. Jesus stepped up the tee and said, "Now watch Buddha: 320 yards straight down the center of the fairway, just like Jack Nicolas."

Buddha just nodded. Jesus swung and sharply hooked the golf ball into the left adjoining fairway. Buddha remained expressionless. After walking to the ball, Jesus picked up a three wood and readied himself to swing saying, "210 years through the trees, into the fairway and right onto the green, just like Jack would do."

Again Buddha simply nodded. Jesus again swung, but this time sharply sliced the ball straight through their fairway, into the next fairway and into a lake. Buddha once again had no comment and abided in still silence. They walked to the edge of the water hazard and then Jesus walked on the water to where the ball dropped. As he was crouching with one arm in the water looking to scoop up the ball, Buddha waved on the next foursome to play through since this was going to take some time. As the next foursome played through, one fellow noticed Jesus standing on the water searching under the water for the errant ball. He asked Buddha, "Who does this guy think he is—Jesus Christ?"

Buddha replied, "No, Jack Nicolas."

*

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on. As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face right up to one recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?" And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never going to stand in another line again."

*

Year in and year out a doctor stops by a bar on the way home from work and orders a daiquiri with a walnut in it. One day the bartender sees the doctor approaching, reaches for a walnut, and finds that there are none. He rushes around the bar until he finds an old hickory nut that he tosses in the glass.
The doctor takes one sip, grimaces, and bellows, 'What the hell is this?"
The bartender meekly replies, "A hickory-daiquiri, Doc."

*

This man got a job with the county highway department painting lines down the center of the highway. The supervisor told him he was expected to paint two miles of highway a day, and the man started work the next day. The first day the man painted four miles. The supervisor thought, "Great." The next day the man only painted two miles but the supervisor thought, "Well, it's good enough." But the third day the man only painted one mile and the boss said, "Is there a problem?"
The man said, "Well, I'm getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

*

Patient: I'm feeling terrible. Am I dying?
Doctor: I'll have to examine you. Hmm…hmmm…I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time.
Patient: Oh no! How long have I got?
Doctor: Ten. . .
Patient: Ten? Ten what?
Doctor: Nine. . .
Patient: Nine? Nine what—months? Weeks? What?!
Doctor: Eight…seven…six. . .

*

A painter got a call from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I said yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor.

*

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" He's very curious about all this, so he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye with a sharp stick. Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

*

After twelve years of analysis, I finally was able to get in touch with my emotions and break down and cry.
What happened?
One day, my analyst looked at me and said, "No hablo ingles."

*

"Waiter."
"Yes, sir."
"What's this?
"It's your soup, sir."
"Yes, but what kind?"
"It's bean soup, sir."
"I'm not asking what it has been. I'm asking what it is now."

*

A stockbroker seeks admission to the pearly gates.
"Who are you?" says St. Peter.
"I am a Wall Street Broker."
"What do you want?"
"I want to get in."
"What is it that entitles you to admission?"
"Well, for one thing, the other day I saw a decrepit old crone on Broadway and handled her a nickel."
"Is that in the records, Gabriel?"
"Yes, St. Peter."
"What else have you done?"
"Well, the other night I was crossing the Brooklyn Bridge and I ran into a half-frozen newsboy and I gave him a nickel."
"Gabriel, is that on the records?"
"Yes, St. Peter."
"What else have you done?"
"That's all I can think of."
"What do you think we ought to do with this guy, Gabriel?"
"Give him back his dime and tell him to go to hell."

*

A pope dies and goes to heaven and is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter explains that all is equal in heaven—no preference is ever given to anybody because of his earthly station. The pope says, "That's as it should be in heaven."

Later the pope is standing in the cafeteria line and a man wearing a white jacket with a stethoscope sticking out of the pocket walks to the front of the line and takes a tray.

"Did you see that?" the pope says to St. Peter. "You told me everyone was equal here."
"Oh, don't mind him," replies St. Peter. "That's God—he likes to play doctor once in while."

*

The gate between heaven and hell breaks and St. Peter calls over to the devil, "It's your turn to fix it."
"Sorry," says the devil. "We are too busy fixing our heating system to worry about a little thing like a gate."
"If you don't fix it," says St. Peter, "I'll have to sue you for breaking our working agreement."
"Is that so?" says the devil. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

*

A lawyer sent a note to client:
"Dear Jim: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn't you, so I went back. One-tenth of an hour: $25."

*

Why won't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy

*

A lawyer had just undergone surgery. As he came out of the anesthesia, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, Doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."

*

Question: What do you call 10,000 lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean?
Answer: A good beginning.

*

A young lawyer meets the devil at a bar association convention and the devil says, "Listen, if you give me your soul and the souls of everyone in your family, I'll make you a full partner in your firm."
And the young lawyer says, "So…what's the catch?"

*

The preacher was dissatisfied with how little his congregation put in the collection plates on Sunday, so he learned hypnosis. He began preaching his sermons in a monotone. He swung a watch slowly in front of the lectern, and at the end of the sermon he said, "Give!" and the collection plate was full of twenty-dollar bills. It worked for weeks. The congregation sat mesmerized during the sermon, staring at the watch swinging, and when he said, "Give!" they gave everything they had. Then one Sunday, at the end of the sermon, the chain on the watch broke, and the preacher said, "Oh, crap!"

*

Three couples—an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a young newlywed couple—wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agree and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain fromsex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" says the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replies, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" says the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlyweds and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replies.

"What happened?" inquires the Pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself, and we had sex right there on the floor."

The pastor says, "Well, then, you're not welcome in the Baptist church."

"That's okay," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

*

My wife has been great. In just three years of marriage, she's gotten me to stop drinking and stop smoking, taught me how to dress well, how to enjoy music and painting and fine literature, how to cook gourmet meals, and how to have confidence in myself. So I'm getting a divorce. Frankly, she just isn't good enough for me.

*

"Mr. Johnson, I have reviewed this case carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week alimony."
"That's very generous, your honor. And believe me, I'll try to help out a little myself now and then."

*

The CIA was accepting applications for an assassin. They narrowed the finalists to two men and one woman, and they gave them the final test. They gave each of them a gun and brought the first man in and pointed to the big wooden door and said, "Right in there is your wife. Go in and kill her." The man dropped the gun. He said, "I can't do it."

They brought in the second man and said, "Your wife is behind that door. Go kill her." The second man walked to the door and put his hand on the knob but he couldn't do it either.

Finally, they brought in the woman and told her, "Behind that door is your husband. Go and kill him." So she went through the door and they heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. Then everything was quiet. The door opened slowly, and the woman came out, wiping the sweat from her brow, and she said, "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. So I had to strangle him."

*

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.

*

A guy is driving down the road and sees a farmer lifting a pig up under an apple tree. Each time the farmer lifts the pig up, it bites off an apple. The guy in the car stops and asks what's going on. The farmer says, "I'm feeding my pig." The guy in the car says, "If you shook the apples down on the ground and let the pig eat them that way, wouldn't that save a lot of time?" And the farmer says, "What's time to a pig?"


George Demont Otis      Mahbra Moutains

Man: I hate this modern art. What a piece of crap that is.
Woman: No, that's a Picasso.
Man: What about this one with all these crazy squiggles?
Woman: That's a Kandinsky.
Man: Oaky, how about this one where the guy's got a pencil neck, his nose is upside down, and his eyes are on the same side of his head?
Woman: That's a mirror.

*

Waitress: What can I get you?
Customer: Couple of eggs.
Waitress: How would you like those eggs cooked?
Customer: Yeah, I would.

*

Painter: What's your opinion of my painting?
Critic: It's worthless.
Painter: I know, but I'd like to hear it anyway.

*

"Hey, Bob, remember when you and I went fishing up north nine months ago and the car broke down n that thunderstorm and we wound up spending the night at that farm owned by that gorgeous widow—you remember?"
"Yeah."
"You remember the gorgeous widow?"
"Yeah."
"And she had that big fabulous house and we slept in the guest wing and she was over in her wing and the next morning we got in our car and headed north and went fishing—you remember?"
"Yeah."
"Well, nine months later, I get a letter from her attorney."
"Oh?"
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and go pay her a visit?"
"I did. Yes."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
"I'm sorry. I did. Why did you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

*

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "I have a chance of a lifetime to go fishing for a week, but I have to leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in about an hour to pick them up." He goes home, grabs everything, and rushes off. He returns a week later and his wife asks if he had a good time. He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue pajamas!"
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

*

Two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about three feet across but so deep that when they drop a small rock in it, they hear no sound. They drop a bigger rock in it, and still no sound. So they go looking for something larger, and they find a railroad tie. They haul it over to the hole, heave it in, and it disappears without a sound. Then a goat comes running up at about sixty miles an hour and dives head first into the hole. And there's still no sound. Nothing. Suddenly a farmer appears from the woods and says, "Hey! You fellas seen my goat around here?" And they say, "Well, there was a goat just ran by here real fast and dove into this hole here."
"Naw," says the farmer, "that wasn't my goat—my goat was tied to a railroad tie."

*

A woman went on vacation with her husband to a fishing resort. While he was taking a nap, she took the boat out so she could sunbathe. She anchored in the bay, and along came the sheriff in his boat and said, "Ma'am, there's no fishing here. I'm going to have to take you in."
She said, "But officer, I'm not fishing."
"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to take you in."
At which point she said, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
"But I didn't even touch you," said the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true…but you have all the equipment."

*

A guy was driving down the road and ran over a rooster, and he felt guilty, so he stopped and went up to the farmhouse and said to the farmer, "I'd like to replace your rooster," and the farmer said, "Okay. The chickens are out back."

*

"Hello? Is this the fire department?"
"Yes."
"Listen, my house is on fire! You've got to come right away! It's terrible!"
"Okay how do we get to your house?"
"You don't have those big red trucks anymore?"

*

A dog owner takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet examines the dog and pronounces it terminally ill. The pet owner requests a second opinion. So the vet brings his own kitten in, and the kitten examines the sick dog and shakes his head. The pet owner requests another opinion. This time the vet brings in his Labrador retriever, who mumps up on the examining table with the sick dog, sniffs and licks it, and then also shakes his head. The pet owner, now convinced, asks how much he owes the doctor. The doctor says he owes $650. The pet owner, surprised, asks why the bill is so high. The doctor replies that the exam was only $50; the additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab test.

*

Paradox who?
Paradox better than one if you're really sick

*

Will you remember me in five years?
Yes.
Will you remember me next year?
Yes.
Will you remember me next month?
Yes.
Will you remember me next week?
Yes.
Will you remember me tomorrow?
Yes.
Will you remember me in another minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in another second?
Yes.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
You forgot me already?

*

"Doc, am I going to die?"
"That's the last thing you're going to do. Next."

*

"Doc, nobody ever listens to me."
"Next."

*

"Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room."
"Tell him I can't see him now."

*

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: Ninety dollars.
Patient: Ninety dollars for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can do it slower if you like.

*

A man consults a medical doctor and states, "Doc, I'm suicidal. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Pay in advance."

*

"Mrs. Larson, you're not going deaf in your left ear. You seem to have a
suppository stuck in there!"
"Well, now I know what happened to my hearing aid."

*

A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got of the main highway. In a short time he found himself driving along a narrow, bumpy back-country road. Just as he began to wonder whether he should turn back or drive on until he could find a place to ask directions, he crested a hill, and in the valley beyond was the biggest pig farm he had ever seen.

As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens, and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly—it looked like a pig with a wooden leg!

He found the lane and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer.

"Excuse me," the traveler said, "I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs and everything, and I noticed something that I thought I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?"

The farmer smiled. "Oh, that would be old Caesar you were seeing. He's the finest pig a man could ever hope to have—and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig."

"You see that barge down there on the river? That's a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to get it up. Now that dredge brings me in about a hundred and twenty thousand dollars every year.

"Over there in the meadow, you see those old derricks? It was Caesar who showed them where to drill. Of course, it is just a small operation, but I got a quarter of a million on the mineral lease, and each year the wells bring me in about eighty thousand in royalties. See, I had Caesar negotiate the contract.

"Now, I can tell you are a city fellow, and you probably never thought of pigs as being particularly smart, much less intellectual, but old Caesar there, well, he has an honorary degree from the Sorbonne in Paris. Four or five times each year Caesar travels off to various universities both here and abroad to give guest lectures on theoretical physics. The honoraria from those lectures bring me twenty or twenty-five thousand every year, plus it is good advertising for the farm.

"There's another thing, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking, and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down, and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house, and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up, and got me out. There is no question about it—that night old Caesar saved all our lives, and you know, that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily."

"Why," the traveler said, "this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?"

The farmer laughed. "Well, naturally," he said, "when you have a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at one time."

*

Smith and Jones are on safari and one night after dinner Smith bets Jones a dollar that he will be the first to shoot a lion.
"In fact," says Smith, "I'll do it right now." Smith heads off into the jungle.
An hour later a lion pokes his head inside the tent and says, "You know a guy named Smith?"
Trembling, Jones says, "Well, yes."
"He owes you a dollar."

*

Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. One to screw it in and one not to screw it in.

*

Q. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. The Zen master is the light bulb.

*

"Why don't you come to my house for dinner tonight?" said the first cannibal. "We're having my mother-in-law."
"I don't like your mother-in-law," said the second.
"All right, then just come for dessert and coffee."

*

First woman: "Why, look who's coming up the street—my husband and my boyfriend."
Second woman: "Funny, I was about to say the same thing."

*

Two elderly women sitting on a porch.
Question: Did you and your husband ever have mutual orgasm?
Answer: No, I think we had State Farm.

*

Patient: (waking up after an operation): "Why are all the shades drawn?"
Doctor: "Well, there's a fire across the street and I didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

*

"Didn't you hear me pounding on the floor last night?
"Oh, that's all right," replied the downstairs neighbor, "we were making a lot of noise ourselves."

*

He: "Would you commit adultery for a million dollars?"
She: "Why, I think I might."
He: "How about two dollars."
She: "What do you think I am?"
He: "We've established that. What we're haggling about is the price."

*

If two's company, and three's a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine.

*

"Papa, what's a vacuum?"
"A vacuum is a void."
"I know, Papa, but vat's the void mean?"

*

She: "I'm perfect."
He: "I'm practice."

*

"Answer the door."
"Hello, door."

*

"I would like some alligator shoes."
"What size shoes does your alligator wear?"

*

Then there was the podiatrist who was walking down the street and ran into one of his patients. At first he didn't recognize her, but when she spoke he said, "Oh, hello there—I didn't recognize you with your shoes on."

*

"Say good-night, Gracie."
"Good-night, Gracie."


George Demont Otis      Verbenas

 


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