Welcome to the archived web site of
Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Psychologist (1950-2013)
California License No. PSY 10092
 
Specializing in Presence-Centered Therapy
balancing mind and heart, body and spirit

Now in memoriam - This website is no longer being updated
While Dr. Friedman is no longer with us, there are still many helpful resources on his site. Articles and resource links have been relocated to the top. His family hopes you might find them helpful. But since this site is no longer being updated, some links may no longer work.

 


Home
Articles by Dr. Friedman
Dedication/Orientation
Video and Audio Clips
Annotated Resource Links
Psychology Professionals

Dr. Will’s Perspective on Practicing Psychology:

Dr. Friedman's Practice
Dr. Friedman's Approach
Therapeutic Purposes
Credentials | Experience
Brochures | Interview
Events and Workshops

Website Disclaimer
Contact




 

Articles by Dr. Friedman (except where noted otherwise)

Categorized by Process | Topic

From His Book | Meditations For Life | The Flow of Money, Business and Innovation | Transpersonal/Mind-Body | Approaches, Worldview and Will-isms

Skills For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | Feeling, Thought, Communication & Action

Strategies/Distinctions For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free

Awakening Stories/Metaphors For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | The Way It Is

Holiday Family Gatherings | Cartoons, Jokes and Humor | Poems and Quotes | Song Lyrics, Wit and Wisdom

Jokes, Cartoons and Wisdom

Jokes and Humor For Life 2
 

If you don't have a sense of humor, it just ain't funny.
—Wavy Gravy (Aka Hugh Romney)

*

She's been married to a banker, actor, minister and a mortician. One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.
—Told by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

*

A man searched lifelong for the perfect woman. After searching for decades with much struggle and effort, he did find the perfect woman. The only difficulty was that she was looking for the perfect man.

*

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an egotist and a dyslexic? Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

*

A medical doctor, after some in-depth questioning and further testing, invites an elderly man and his spouse into his private office. There he sits on the edge of his desk and say, "I'm going to tell it to you straight."
The man musters his courage and steels himself saying, "Shoot doc."
The doctor says, "I have terrible news, Mr. Smith. You have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The woman is horrified and speechless. The man muses on this for a moment and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

*

A wild game hunter that catches wild gorillas for zoos took his trusty hunting dog
and a new friend out hunting for wild gorillas. In handing him a gun, he said to be sure he's ready to use it on a moment's notice. The friend, who was not a hunter and had never shot a gun in his entire life, didn't know what to make of this, but agreed. The wild game hunter would go to a tree that had a wild gorilla, shake the tree hard until the gorilla would fall from it, and when the gorilla landed, the dog would bite the gorilla in the privates, thus immobilizing the gorilla so it could be caged. This worked successfully several times. One time the gorilla didn't lose his balance, so the wild game hunter had to climb up the tree to shake it harder. Half way up the tree the hunter lost his balance. In falling, the wild game hunter screamed, "Kill the dog!"

*

[Much of the material that follows is borrowed or adapted from the book and CD's of Pretty Good Joke Book, Fourth Edition, which compiles the best humor from the first nine Joke Shows of A Prairie Home Companion radio programs hosted by Garrison Keillor. Deep appreciation is extended to all who helped gather and present these jokes.]

*

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around, is he still wrong?

*

If a woman is standing in the middle of the forest, talking to herself, with no man around, is she still complaining?

*

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

*

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

*

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

*

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

*

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

*

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

*

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

*

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

*

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

*

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

*

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

*

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

*

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

*

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

*

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

*

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint, please."
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're out of your head."


George Demont Otis      Flowering Dunes


 

The Cat is on the Roof

The man comes home from work one day, and the woman blurts out, "The cat is dead."

The man gets upset and tells the woman in no uncertain terms that she can't just deliver such shocking news. Instead, she must work up to news like that. She says, "Uh, huh."

He says first she must ell him that someone left the window open, the cat got out and she doesn't know what to think or do. He would be appropriately concerned. She says, "Uh, huh."

Continuing, the man says that once he's taken in this news and has digested it, she can tell him that the cat's on the roof and she's quite worried. He also would be anxious.She says, "Uh, huh."

Next, she should say that the cat took a nasty fall and isn't clear what the outcome is. Now she is frightened and he would be highly concerned as well. She say, "Uh, huh."

Finally, when he's fully prepared by digesting all these steps in the scenario, she can carefully break the news that the cat actually died. She says, "Uh, huh."

Three months go by and one day the woman approaches the man and says,
"Your mother's is on the roof."

René Descartes is in a bar. At last call, the bartender asks him if he'd like another drink.
Descartes says, "I think not." And he disappears.
 

Upon Passing, What Would You Like To Hear?

Three friends die in a car accident, and they go to an orientation in heaven. They
are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor in my
time and a great family man."
The second buy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a
school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say. . . 'Look, he's moving'!!"
 

Up Here, We Work by Results

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans. St. Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so I may know whether or not to admit you to the kingdom of heaven?"

The guy replies, "I am Joe Choen, taxi driver, of Las Vegas."

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven." The taxi driver goes into heaven with his robe and staff, and it is the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of St. Mary's for the last forty-five years."

St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says St. Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

*

Three medical doctors die and go up to heaven. And St. Peter says, "So, tell me—what you did with your life?"

The first doctor says, "Well, I worked in an emergency room, and it was really challenging. But we were able to help some people and I think that's worthwhile." St. Peter say, "That's fabulous—come on in. I hope you enjoy heaven."

And St. Peter turns to the second doctor and says, "So, what did you do with your life?" And the second doctor says, "I worked in a busy private practice and volunteered at a local hospice to help them enjoy their remaining time in some comfort, and it was a little depressing, since everyone there dies sooner or later. But we were kind to people, really did our best to deeply listen to their concerns and their reflecting upon their lives and I think that's a worthwhile contribution." St. Peter says, "That's great. Come on in—I hope you enjoy heaven."

Then he faces the remaining doctor and says, "So, what did you do with your life?" And the doctor says, "For most of my career, I worked as a managed-care physician for an HMO." St. Peter wrinkles his brow and pulls out a calculator, a whole set of manuals, and a pencil. He spends time writing and scrunching up pieces of paper, and then looks up and says, "I can approve you for a day-day stay."

*

The optimist sees a glass that's half full. The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty. An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

*

Eve, in the Garden of Eden said, "God, I have a problem. It's a beautiful garden, but I'm lonely and I'm sick of eating apples."
"Okay," God said. "I'll create a man for you."
Eve said, "What's a man?"
"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego who doesn't listen and get lost a lot, but he's big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals, and he's fun in bed."
"Sounds great!" said Eve.
"There's just one thing. He's going to want to believe I made him first."

*

"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company."
"Okay," replied God. "I'll give you the perfect companion. She is beautiful, intelligent, and gracious—she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word."
"Sounds great," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?"
"An arm and a leg," answered God.
"That's pretty steep," replied Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"

*

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
"Hmm," the man wondered out loud. Then he said, "God, what is a million
dollars to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"
And God said, "Sure!...Just a second."

*

Three older Jewish mothers were sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about how much their sons love them.

Sadie said, "you know the Manet painting hanging in my living room? My son, Irving, bought that for me for my seventy-fifth birthday. What a good boy he is, and how much he loves his mother."

Gertie said, "You call that love? You know that new Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Golda, in turn, replied, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychotherapist on Park Avenue. Five sessions a week—and what does he talk about? Me."

*

If there were three wise women who went to Bethlehem, they would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a meal, and brought some practical gifts.

*

"Son, I think it's time we talked about sex."
"Sure, Dad. What do you want to know?"

This sailor met a pirate in a bar, and the sailor couldn't help but notice that the pirate was pretty badly the worse for wear. He had a peg leg, and a hook, and an eye patch.

So the sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg, and the pirate answered,
"Well, matey, I got washed overboard one night while we was in a fierce storm. An' dern me if a shark didn't go and bite of me leg."

Then the sailor asked, "So how'd you get the hook?"

And the pirate answered, "Well, we was in a fierce fight while boarding a ship
one time, and that's when I got me hand cut off."

Finally, the sailor asked, "So, if you don't mind me asking, how'd you get the eye patch?"

And the pirate responded, "A seagull pooped in me eye."

And the sailor said, "You mean to tell me you lost an eye just because a seagull pooped in it?"

The pirate said, "Well, it was the first day I had me hook."

*

A surgeon, an engineer, and a lawyer were arguing about which profession was the oldest, and the doctor said, "Well, on the sixth day of Creation, God took a rib from Adam, so surgery is the oldest profession." The engineer said, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos, so engineering is the oldest profession." And the lawyer said, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"

*

Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

*

The lawyer is cross-examining the doctor about whether he checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.
"No," he said, "I didn't check his pulse."
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.
"No, I did not," said the doctor.
"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."
And the doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."

*

"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars for four questions."
"Isn't that awfully expensive?"
"Yes. What's your fourth question?"

*

Three people were going to the guillotine. The first was a lawyer, who was led to the platform, blindfolded, and had his head put on the block. The executioner pulled the lanyard, but nothing happened. To avoid a messy lawsuit, the authorities allowed the lawyer to go free. The next man to the guillotine was a priest. They put his head on the block and pulled the lanyard, but nothing happened. The blade didn't come down. They thought it must have been divine intervention, so they let the priest go. The third man to the guillotine was an engineer. He waived his right to a blindfold, so they led him to the guillotine and put his head on the block. As he lay there, he said, "Hey, wait. I think I see your problem."

*

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the tings he predicted yesterday did not happen today.

*

What is the difference between an economist and a confused old man with Alzheimer's? The economist is the one with the calculator.

*

Economists have forecast nine of the last five recessions.

*

"Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1000! I can't pay that before the end of the month!"
"Okay, you have six months to live."

*

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I hurt all over. If I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I tough my leg here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts."
"I believe you've broken your finger."

*

The doctor calls up the patient and say, "I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only twenty-four hours left to live."
And the patient says, "That is very bad news. What could be worse than that?"
And the doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

*

Patient: "Doctor, every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
Doctor: "Are you taking anything for it?"
Patient: "Ground pepper!"

*

A ninety-year-old man went to his doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife, who is eighteen, is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of his gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. And when a bear suddenly charged at him, he pointed his umbrella at the bear, shot at it, and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible. Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly my point."

*

Woman: "So give it to me straight, Doctor. I want to know the truth."
Doctor: "Very well. Your husband is in terrible shape, and if you want him to live, you're going to have to make sure he's well fed and comfortable and happy at all times, and you're going to have to make love to him three times a day."
Woman: "Three times a day?"
Doctor: "Three times a day."
Husband: "So what'd the doctor say?"
Woman: "He says you're going to die."

*

"What happened to you, Mr. Peebles? You look awful."
"Well, Doctor, you told me to take this medicine for three days and then skip a day, and all that skipping wore me out."

*

Woman: "Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawn mower."
Doctor: "That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
Woman: "Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

*

Doctor: "What's wrong with your brother?
Boy: "He thinks he's a chicken."
Doctor: "Really? How long has he thought this?"
Boy: "Three years."
Doctor: "Three years!"
Boy: "We would've brought him in sooner, but we needed the eggs."

*

"Hello? Is this the state mental hospital?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can I speak to Mr. Russell in room twenty-seven?"
"One moment and I'll connect you. . . (pause) I'm sorry, Mr. Russell is not answering."
"Good. That means I must have really escaped."

*

Erma Bombeck's law: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

A guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor tells him he only as a day to live. He goes home to tell his wife, who asks him what he wants to do with his final hours. Of course he wants to spend them having sex. They have great sex all night long. Finally, about two a.m., the wife says she's tired and wants to go to sleep. He says, "Oh, come on, can't we do it just one more time?"
And she says, "Look, I've got to get up in the morning—you don't!"

*

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. He says, "What's the matter with me?"
The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."

*

Psychiatrist: "Mr. Phelps, I can say with confidence that after fifteen years of psychotherapy you are cured."
Patient: "Well, that's good, I guess. But on the other hand, fifteen years ago I was God. Now I'm nobody."

*

Patient: Doctor, I have this terrible problem. I think I'm a dog. I walk around on all fours, I keep baking in the middle of the night and I eat dog food."
Doctor: "Very interesting. Lie down on the couch, please."
Patient: "I'm not allowed on the couch."

*

"Hello, doctor?"
"Yes?"
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?"
"No, this is her husband!"

*

Four people were riding in a train coach. A woman and her beautiful nineteen-year-old daughter were on one side, and facing them were the army general and his escort, an army private. The train enters a tunnel, and the cabin becomes dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap.

The mother thinks, "That young man stole a kiss from my daughter, and she rightfully slapped him.

The daughter thinks, "That young man tried to kiss me and kissed my mother by mistake and got slapped."

The general thinks, "That young man stole a kiss, and I got slapped by mistake."
The private thinks, "I'm pretty smart. I kiss the back of my hand and get to hit the general."

*

Teacher: "Class, it's an interesting linguistic fact that, in English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative."
Student: "Yeah, right."

*

A manager is a person who thinks that nine women ought to be able to produce a child in one month.

*

A consultant is a man who knows 147 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women.


George Demont Otis      A Quiet Cove


 

Useful Phrases for the Workplace:

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'll do my best in being nicer if you'll do your best in being smarter.

*

Sergeant: Private!
Private: Yes, sir.
Sergeant: You failed to show up for camouflage class yesterday.
Private: How do you know that, sir?

*

I got an A in philosophy last semester by proving that my professor doesn't exist.

*

Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway swim meet. She came in last in the hundred-yard breast stroke, and she said to the judges, "Oh say, I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls ver using dere arms!"

*

Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone."
And Lena says, "Be careful, Ole, because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway."
And Ole says, "One nut—heck, there are hundreds of them!"

*

Sven: Well, that's a lovely family, Ole. Five boys. Looks like you got a body every single time.
Ole: Oh, no, sometimes we didn't get anything.

*

Sven: So, Ole, I see you burnt your ears pretty bad. What happened then?
Ole: Well, I was ironing my shirt, you know, and the telephone rang, and I put the iron to
my ear.
Sven: Oh, for dumb. And what about the other?
Ole: Well, then I went to call the doctor. . .

*

Ole and Lena were celebrating their twenty-fifth anniversary. After the guests left, Lena looked at Ole and punched him real hard in the shoulder. "That's for twenty-five years of bad sex."
Ole thinks about it and then reaches over and punches Lena hard in the shoulder, "That's for knowing the difference!"

*

A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost in the desert, wandering for hours.
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have some wine."
The German says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have a beer."
The Jew says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."

*

A Brit, a Frenchman and A Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. The Brit said, "They look so calm. They must be British." The Frenchman said, "Nonsense. They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, these are French people." The Russian disagreed, "I don't think so. They have no clothes, no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

*

A Czech man went to the eye doctor to have his vision checked. The eye chart said: CVKPMWXFCZ. The doctor said, "Can you read that?" The man said, "Can I read it? I dated her once."

When NASA started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens don't work in zero gravity. So they spent twelve million dollars and more than a decade developing a pen that writes under any conditions, on almost every surface. The Russians used a pencil.

*

The difference between comedy and tragedy in Russian drama is that in a tragedy, everybody dies; but in a comedy, they die happy.

*

Doctor: Sir, how did you happen to break your leg?
Patient: Well, Doctor, it was like this. Twenty-five years ago, I was on the road and it got dark and. . .

Doctor: Never mind that. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.

Patient: Well, twenty-five years ago, I was on the road and it got dark, and I needed a place to stay. There was only this one farmhouse near, so I knocked on the door and the farmer answered. I told him my situation, and he said, "Well, you can stay here, but you'll have to share a room with my beautiful daughter." I said that would be okay, and I went up and crawled into bed. She was already asleep, and that night, right after I'd gone to sleep, she woke me up and asked if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything was fine. She said, "Are you sure?" I said, "I'm sure." She said, "Isn't there anything I can do for you? I said, "I reckon not."
Doctor: What does this have to do with your broken leg?'

Patient: Well, this morning, it dawned on me what she meant by that, and I fell off the roof!

*

Old lady: "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight."
Old man: "An elephant?"
Old lady: "Close enough."

*

An old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, and a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. The old man says, "I'm married to a beautiful twenty-two-year-old woman."
The young man says, "What's wrong with that?"
And the old man says, "I forgot where I live!"

*

First old man: You want to go for a walk?
Second old man: Isn't it windy?
First old man: No, it's Thursday.
Second old man: Me, too. Let's go get a beer.

*

The old man thought his wife was going deaf, so he came up behind her and said, "Can you hear me, sweetheart? No reply. He came closer and said it again. No reply. He spoke right into her ear and said, "Can you hear me now, honey?"
His wife said, "For the third time, yes."

*

This old guy goes to the doctor for a checkup.
Doctor: You're in great shape for a sixty-year-old.
Guy: Who says I'm sixty years old?
Doctor: You're not sixty? How old are you?
Guy: I turn eighty next month.
Doctor: Gosh, eighty! Do you mind if I ask you at what age your father died?
Guy: Who says my father's dead?
Doctor: He's not dead?
Guy: Nope, he'll be 104 this year.
Doctor: With such a good family medical history your grandfather must have been pretty old when he died.
Guy: Who says my grandfather's dead?
Doctor: He's not dead?!
Guy: Nope, he'll be 129 this year, and he's getting married next week.
Doctor: Gee-whiz! Why at his age would he want to get married?
Guy: Who says he wants to?

*

My teeth are gone, my digestion's a mess, my joints ache, but at least my mind is still there, knock on wood. (Knocks) Who's there?

*

My husband is on a new diet. He's losing five pounds a week. In a year and a half, I'll be rid of him completely.

*

"Do you take off your glasses because you think it makes you look better?"
"No, because it makes you look better."

*

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they do come home they expect to be fed and stroked and then left alone to sleep. Everything that women hate in men, they love in cats.

*

Question: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Answer: Through the chest wall with a sharp knife.

*

You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common. Why did you get married?
I suppose it was the old business of "opposites attract." He wasn't pregnant and I was.

*

Question: Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
Answer: To stop the snoring before it starts.

*

A woman comes home shouting, "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!"
The husband exclaims, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or for
the mountains, or what?
And she says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out."

*

Wife: You know, that young couple next door are so sweet. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes home, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?
Husband: I don't even know her.

*

Husband: Before I die, darling, I have to confess something to you.
Wife: I know all about it, darling. That's why I poisoned you.

*

The wife smacks her husband upside the head.
He says, "Hey! What was that for?"
"That's for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou on it."
He explains, "That's from two weeks ago. I went to the races, and Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She hits him again.
He says, "Now what was that for?"
"Your horse called on the phone today."

*

Did you hear that after she broke her leg, Picabo Street, the Olympic skier, donated money for a very special hospital wing?
It's going to be called the Picabo ICU.

*

A kid was ice fishing, but wasn't having much luck. He saw a guy across the way who was hauling in a bounty of fish, one after another. So the kid went over to the guy and said, "What are you doing to get all these fish? I'm just a few feet away from you, and I'm not catching anything."
The guy answered in a muffled voice, "Ee yer erms orm."
The kid didn't understand, and the guy tried to speak again, "Ee yer erms orm."
The kid still didn't understand him, so the guy said, spiting off to the side, "Spffff…I said, 'Keep your worms warm!"

*

Two backpackers see a bear about to charge them. One backpacker takes off his
hiking boots and puts on running shoes.
His companion says, "You'll never outrun the bear—why are you putting those on?'
The guy with the running shoes responds, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you."

Alaska's Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be observant. They advise that outdoor enthusiasts wear bells on their clothing and carry pepper spray. They also recommend watching out for fresh signs of bear activity, and learning the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung: Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

*

Five doctors went duck hunting one day: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while, a bird came winging overhead. The GP raised his shotgun but didn't shoot because he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn't shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, "I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck?" The surgeon was the only one who shot. BOOM!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."

*

The man who wrote the Hokey-Pokey died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started.

*

"Did you hear about the invisible man who married the invisible woman?"
"Yeah, their kids aren't much to look at either."

*

The nuns decided to have some fun by getting nude and dancing to their heart's content. They heard someone knock on the front door. They asked, "Who's there?
A male voice said, "Blind man."
The nuns figured there was no harm in opening the door for the blind man, so they did.
The man walked in saying, "So where do you want the blinds?"

*

So this frog goes to a psychic and the psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know intimate things about you."
The frog says, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party?"
The psychic says, "No, next week in her biology class."

*

"Mr. Johnson, I want to speak with you about your son. I discovered him playing doctor with my daughter!"
"Well, it's only natural for children that age to explore their sexuality in the form of play."
"Sexuality?! He took out her appendix!"

*

Two cows are lying in a field. One of them says to the other, "So, what do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other says, "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."
One night, a caveman comes running into his cave and says, "Whew! There was a tiger chasing me all the way across the savannah!"
His wife says, "Why?"
The caveman says, "I didn't stop to ask!"

*

A girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents and they were horrified by his greasy hair, tattoos, dirty language, and air of hostility. After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person."
And the daughter said, "Mother, if he wasn't a nice person, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

*

One day a guy answers his door and finds a snail at his doorstep. The guy picks it up and tosses it into the garden.
Two years later, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and finds the same snail. And the snail says, "Hey, what was that all about?"

*

In the middle of a show, a guy stand up and yells at the ventriloquist, "Hey! You've been making enough jokes about us Polish people! Cut it out!"
The ventriloquist says, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!"
And the guy says, "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!"

*

Hotel Clerk: Would you like the sixty dollar room or the eighty dollar room?
Guest: What's the difference?
Clerk: The eighty dollar room has free TV.

*

This man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts cursing him and using terrible language and insulting his wife, so finally the man picks up the parrot and throws him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the parrot squawking and screaming in there for a while, and then all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. So the man opens the freezer door, and the parrot walks out, looks up at him, and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you, I forgive you."
And the parrot says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

*

My father decided that I should learn how to swim. We went to one of the lakes in the area, and my father put a boat in the water. He rowed me out a little way from shore and threw me overboard. I swam back to shore. He took me out farther and threw me overboard again. Again, I swam back to shore. He took me out still farther, to the deepest part of the lake, and threw me overboard once more. I swam back to shore again. That's how I learned to swim. Actually, learning to swim wasn't the hardest part—it was getting out of that burlap bag.

*

"We went to this wonderful restaurant today and I can't remember the name of it. What's that flower with the sharp thorns that can be red, white, or pink?
"Rose?"
'Yeah. Hey, Rose, what's the name of that restaurant?"

*

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

*

A man was walking down the street with two suitcases when a stranger came up and asked, "Have you got the time?"

The man put down the suitcases, looked at his wristwatch, and said, "It's exactly five forty-six and fifty-point-six seconds, and the barometric pressure is 30.06 and rising, and if you'd like to see where we are by satellite positioning, I can show you that, too, or get onto the Internet, check your e-mail, make a long-distance call, or send a fax. It's also a pager, it plays recorded books, and it receives FM."

The stranger said, "That's amazing. I've got to have that watch. I'll pay you."

The guy said, "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet. I'm the inventor. I'm still working out the bugs."

The stranger offered him ten thousand, fifteen, twenty—finally the guy sold it for twenty-five thousand. He took the watch off his wrist, and the stranger walked away with it. The guy held up the suitcases and called, "Don't you want the batteries?"


George Demont Otis      Lagunitas Creek 2

 


Home | Dedication/Orientation | Articles by Dr. Friedman | Video and Audio Clips | Annotated Resource Links | Psychology Professionals

Dr. Will’s Perspective on Practicing Psychology: Dr. Friedman's Practice | Dr. Friedman's Approach | Therapeutic Purposes | Credentials | Experience | Brochures | Interview | Events and Workshops | Website Disclaimer | Contact