Welcome to the archived web site of
Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Psychologist (1950-2013)
California License No. PSY 10092
 
Specializing in Presence-Centered Therapy
balancing mind and heart, body and spirit

Now in memoriam - This website is no longer being updated
While Dr. Friedman is no longer with us, there are still many helpful resources on his site. Articles and resource links have been relocated to the top. His family hopes you might find them helpful. But since this site is no longer being updated, some links may no longer work.

 


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Articles by Dr. Friedman (except where noted otherwise)

Categorized by Process | Topic

From His Book | Meditations For Life | The Flow of Money, Business and Innovation | Transpersonal/Mind-Body | Approaches, Worldview and Will-isms

Skills For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | Feeling, Thought, Communication & Action

Strategies/Distinctions For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free

Awakening Stories/Metaphors For Life: The Core Playing Field | Free the Ego, and You Are Free | The Way It Is

Holiday Family Gatherings | Cartoons, Jokes and Humor | Poems and Quotes | Song Lyrics, Wit and Wisdom

Complete List of Articles
Jokes, Cartoons and Wisdom

The World According To Woody Allen
 

Woody Allen, gag writer, musician, humorist, philosopher, playwright, stand-up comic, film star, film writer and film director, has a most humorous, black humoresque take on the world. Here are some nuggets from his long career.

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As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

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Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

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Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

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Eighty percent of success is showing up.

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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

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Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

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He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

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His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

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I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

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I am two with nature.

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I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

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I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

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I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

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I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

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I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

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I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

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I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

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I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

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I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

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I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

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I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

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I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.


George Demont Otis      Autumn Splender

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

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If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

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If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

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If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

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In Beverly Hills. . . they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

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In California, they don't throw their garbage away-they make it into TV shows.

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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

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It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

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It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

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Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering-and it's all over much too soon.

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Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

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Marriage is the death of hope.

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

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Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

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My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

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Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

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Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

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Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

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Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

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Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

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Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

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The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

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The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

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Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

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Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

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To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

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Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

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Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

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When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

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Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

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I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

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How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

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If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

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It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

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My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

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The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

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Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

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We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.

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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

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More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

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For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

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The only difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.

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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

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Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

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My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately?

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The wicked at heart probably know something.

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Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

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Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence, so why bother shaving?

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The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

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Don't knock masturbation-it's sex with someone I love.

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Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.

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I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

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I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

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The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.

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The. . . the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious", and it goes like this—I'm paraphrasing—um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.


George Demont Otis      A Marin Farm

I thought of that old joke: This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken.' And the doctor says, 'Well why don't you turn him in?' and the guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.' Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. They're totally irrational and crazy and absurd, but I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.

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I think that people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

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I can't express anger. That's my problem. I internalize everything. I just grow a tumor instead.

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My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

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No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

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Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

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I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

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I'm not a drinker—my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

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Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

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My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

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A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know, it has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

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To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.

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If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

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You think you're God! I gotta model myself after someone.

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Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.

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In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

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How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

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Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

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If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

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Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

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Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

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No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

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That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.

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You don't get suspicious when your analyst calls you up at three in the morning and weeps into the telephone?

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How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!

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I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.

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"The food at this place is really terrible". And the other one says: "Yeah, I know. And such small portions."

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I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

`What are you planning on doing Saturday night?` `Committing suicide!` `Well. . . how about Friday night?`

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Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

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For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

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I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

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I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

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If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough.

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If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

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If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

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I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

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I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

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Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.

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I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

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Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

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She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

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Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

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The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

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The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife—a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.

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To me nature is…spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating…It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

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Why ruin a good story with the truth?

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94.5% of all statistics are made up.

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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."

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Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

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Life is like a concentration camp. . . you can't leave without dying.

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Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

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My brain? it's my second favorite organ.

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The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch.

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Death is an acquired trait.

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Take the money and run.

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I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

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Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

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Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

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The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

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Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.


George Demont Otis      A Creek Near Santa Barbara


 

 


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Dr. Will’s Perspective on Practicing Psychology: Dr. Friedman's Practice | Dr. Friedman's Approach | Therapeutic Purposes | Credentials | Experience | Brochures | Interview | Events and Workshops | Website Disclaimer | Contact